skinny under all this fat

it's been a long time old friend...

2011-05-21T19:02:00.000-07:00

yup, im still alive. so here is an update...

I have a 14 month old daughter now. she is the light of my life. all that work i did back then was to have the privilege of being her mom. and here we are. the only real issue is that i am fatter then i have ever been. so now i have to make a change and start all over again. I started at 230 two weeks ago and now I'm at 223. tomorrow is weigh in day. i haven't been working out but i have been pretty active. I've been doing a lot of baby wearing and walking, but i know it isn't enough. i like to feel strong. i dont feel strong. i feel weak. i hate feeling weak. and i actually want another baby. we are taking a trip to MI at the end of July and Im hoping to lose enough before then to get my cycle back. this is why im starting to write again. i find that I am drawing strength from writing. kinda like a self psych up! i dont belong to my gym anymore, and that sucks because i loved it. it was hard to do with G around and she didnt tolerate the daycare center there. they would come get me about 10 minutes after i left her and i would have to leave. she is a momma's girl bigtime. gotta love her. my apartment complex has a gym, but its small and dirty and doesnt have air conditioning so its really hot and stinky in there. im thinking about ordering a work out on dvd and hopefully i can do some of that while G naps. also it might give Husband a chance to get a little work out as well. I wish i could go back to my gym, but its not in the cards right now. I would write more but G is insisting on nursies. also forgive the typos and misspellings. i didnt have time to edit properly!

i dont back down

2009-03-22T10:55:00.000-07:00

thats what makes it so good. if i fail or i take a step back, it never stops me from trying again. a few weeks on, and then a screw up. statistically speaking, im heading in the right direction with every attempt. someone did a study (i just read about it so i cant remember who) that people who keep trying to lose weight, who have slip ups but who continue to try again, not only lose more weight, but keep it off as well. this is a good thing, and just another reason to no beat yourself up if you have a little slide. JUST KEEP TRYING!!!! tho more you try, they more that will "click." i feel like im starting to click. i wasnt very sore after body pump saturday. i thought it would be worse, so i think nextr weekend i need to up my weights a little. i was going to take today off, but 90 minute yoga class was calling me. its so relaxing and stretchy and it just plain old feels good. i figured that even if today was supposed to be my day off, if i wanted to go to yoga ten i should. just the same with two work outs in one day. if i want to, if im feeling up to it, then i should go. i dont want to view the gym as something i have to do, to just get it over with. i want it to be something i want to do, somthing i think is fun. and it is getting that way, you know. really, it is. i can run for a half hour without walking at all now. i can enjoy a 90 minute yoga class and want to be there. i can do things i never thought were possible, and all because i KEEP TRYING!

i know now that excersize isnt the issue for me, i enjoy being more active. i like sweating and feeling like i just accomplished something great. its the food that ruins it all. if i could just learn to make better decisions and tell myself NO when i want to slide through the drivethrough and get a massive order of fries. i have to figure out how to get past the binges and the cravings and learn to make healthier choices. my body is a machine and it needs proper fuel. if you dont give it good fuel, it wont react the way you want it to. so today i am trying a new thing. today i am all for substitutions and prepackages portions. im not going to deny myself potato chips anymore, because it just doesnt work. im going to make sure that i have small preportioned single use containers of the things i crave so that when i do go for them, i dont over do it. i bought some single serving 150 cal chips yesterday. i can only have one. it seems to be just fine. we'll see how this works.

i am also taking my alli religiously. it really does help i think. i like that it keeps me from overdoing it. im so scared of the treatment effects that i keep my distance from fatty fried foods and adding too much oil to the stuff i make at home. i have been managing to take off two lbs a week since i restarted. im doing good. i just dont want to lose momentum now.

Alton Brown is trying to kill me!!!

2009-03-16T20:32:00.000-07:00

with pancakes. sweet, fluffy, slightly rubbery pancakes. wholesome american pancakes. its my vice. my F.O.C. if you will. so tell me, what right does this skinny SOB have to make a whole show about making and eating pancakes? NOTHING! he just knows that i love them so he seeks out the camera with his maple sugar smile and taunts me on cable tv. here i was, minding my own beeswax and then i hear the word "sugarbush" and it got my total attention. Any one who knows me, knows that i have a serious maple syrup problem. seriously, i need to be checked into the betty crocker for full on maple detox and 12 step. I can do shots of it. it haunts me in my sleep. pancakes are but the vessel for my syrup love. nothing quite shows off the smokey warm flavor of the maple syrup then the wonderfully sponginess of the perfect pancake. and good syrup is like fine wine. virgin maple forrest (sugarbush) is rare and dissapearing at an alarming rate, hence the steep pricetag of pure maple syrup. mark once took me to a virgin sugarbush for a chance to watch the process of maple sugaring firsthand, and of course eat some major pancakes. a virgin forrest is one that hasnt been logged and replanted. its ecology is so delicate we werent allowed to veer from the walking path because our weighed down footprints could destroy a small nemetoad that has its nessesary place in the trees food chain. if a tree falls, they leave it alone. its amazing. i have tastes maple sap in the raw. water. it tasted as pure as water. whomever thought boiling it to make it condense was a GENIUS! okay so enough of the lesson. whichever one of you comes up with the best VEGAN pancake recipe, tell me what you need, and i'll trade you. no dont, my diet is going so well. DAMN THAT ALTON BROWN!!!

its been a while....

2009-02-24T20:01:00.000-08:00

just checking to see if anyone is out there.

i havent posted in a while. it hasnt been good. its been stagnet. worse then stagnet, its been slovenly. with that said, i am ashamed.

but another hurdle down, another to go. i bought a car today. its a major hunk of shit, but its my hink of shit. know what i mean? this car doesnt even have a radio, just a big hole in the dash with wires sticking out. hey, but you know the heat works, right?

anyways, times are a changing, and watch out world, im baaaaaaack!!!

turkey derby

2008-11-27T17:09:00.001-08:00

just wanted to give y'all my race results. i didnt come in last in my age group! i thought my time was worse then this, but apparently i did better then i thought i did. maybe i was looking at the second set of numbers when i crossed the finish line. anyways, im super proud of myself, because when i started this running thing 4 months ago, i was 40 lbs heavier and my time for a 5k was 1hr 11 mins. so its a heck of an improvement!
-----

Gold's Gym Turkey Derby 5K Results
Congratulations Angela Maupin on finishing the Gold's Gym Turkey Derby 5K on November 27, 2008. For your records, the weather that day was sunny, 41 degrees F, calm wind.
There were 33 finishers in the Women 30 to 39 age group and 205 finishers in the 5K Run/Walk division.
Your overall finish place was 180, your age group finish place was 32 and your gender finish place was 93.
Your time 39:41.62 gave you a 12:48 pace per mile.
We look forward to seeing you at more KaleRunning timed events. For a full listing of results www.kalerunning.com.
Happy Running,
Team Kale

the angiemonsters new clothes

2008-10-19T19:41:00.001-07:00

okay. so...

i cleaned out my closet anf got rid of anything size 16 or larger. i gave it away so i never have to look at it again. i bought new jeans, but only one pair, about 3 weeks ago, and they are too big already. they were 14s. i want to buy 12s but im scared. im scared that i will take some size 12s into the dressing room and they wont fit. i know its not that i havent changed or lost, but i have a very strange shape thats hard to fit. i have a high waist, but a short torso. my butt stickes out far (jlo with alittle more jiggle) it was that way even when i was thin. my legs are incredibly short and stumpy. but when i buy jeans to fit my ass, they are too loose at the waist and when i buy them to fit my waist, my ass looks like two hams. its discusting. so, instead im treating myself to a few new tops. i have two that are the kind that have the wide tight waistband and kind of bubble out, they both actually look good on me. then this weekend i bought a grey and white short sleave sweater with a cowl neck on it, and i plan on layering it over a turtleneck. i also bought two pairs of flats (black and brown.) and some tights. but thats all im buying because i dont want to spend any more money on clothes when im just not going to beable to fit it in a few months.

im also excited about going to phoenix in dec. it gives me another goal to look forward to. i love spending time with my parents. i wish markie could come but school and work are really pressing him and he needs to stay focused right now. he did promise to come to the family reunion. im holding it to him. he is also going to run with me in the turkey derby and he has been going to the gym pretty faithfully for the last couple of weeks. i think its helping him alot. it makes me happy to see him so happy. on days when we go to the gym together its like having my own cheering section, even when i dont see him. im so proud of him for making the effort. boy, im super in love with markie.

oh, im in the low 180's right now and i can just feel the 170's around the corner.

just in case you were wondering

2008-09-18T17:32:00.001-07:00

i hit 189 today.

pardon my french but...

FUCK YEAH!

i feel like an athlete

2008-09-13T09:11:00.000-07:00

so as some of you know, i am attempting to run my first 5k on november 8th. the thing is i have two bum knees, so getting ready for it has to be a slow process to keep from injuring them as i run. since im new to this running thing i have a few questions. one i got answered today, i was getting a cramp in my shoulder and neck as i ran, and my friend amy told me that i need to lower my hands and not swing them up so high. my next question is how do i get my endurance up. i have been running only hiit sessions recently but had yet to try my luck at running for any legth of time. this week i was taking it easy because my right knee has been really hurting, so today was my first day back in the gym since last saturday. today i ran 4k in 38 minutes, not including a 5 minute cool down. this is my best time to date. what i did was slow my pace from 6mph to 4.2mph. its doesnt feel right to run at such a low pace, but i could run for about 12 minutes nonstop. i was only allowing myself 2mins cooldown. had mark not been there wanting to leave i probably could have finished the 5k in about 50 minutes without cooldown time. this is a 20 minute difference from my previous best. i know this makes me feel great, it really does, but i would like to beable to run the whole 5k without breaks, and running outside is a whole different monster. it feels completely different, like i feel heavier. the next cooler day we have im going to try it again and see how i do. the next thing i need is a pair of running shoes. i think if i had a corrective pair to fix my footfalls it would really be to my advantage. right now im running in a pair of nike walking shoes which i know is not helping my knees at all. hopefully before my 5 k i will have some money to spend on a good pair. so, if any of you have any good advice about pulling up my endurance, please chime in.

thanks!

stolen

2008-08-30T21:00:00.000-07:00

I LIVE: in a big empty place in my heart
I WORK: at a job that is fun, but not satisfying
I THINK: i should never have made half of the decisions i have.
I SMELL: nothing because my nose is clogged.
I LISTEN: to what your saying but i still dont get it.
I HIDE: my emotions behind a plate of food.
I WALK: because the piggy has a cold.
I WRITE: about how i feel like i have failed myselfI SEE: a shrink.
I SING: the littlest birds all day
I CAN: lay in bed and read all day
I WATCH: my best friend get everything she has ever wanted.
I DAYDREAM: of having it my way for a change
I WANT: so many many things, but they all lead to freedom
I CRIED:last night and again this morning
I READ: novels
I LOVE: porch beers
I SOMETIMES: come down too hard on those i love.
I FEAR: that i will never acomplish anything great.
I HOPE:that i can change my fate
I EAT: and eat and eat and eat
I DRINK: words
I PLAY: with rosie
I MISS: my youth
I FORGIVE: too much
I DREAM: of sitting on a boat on the nile, floating to thebes.
I KISS: my ursula all the time
I HUG: my arms to me when im cold
I HAVE: nothing of value to pawn in an emergency
I REMEMBER: everything he ever said to me.
I DONT: know why i punish myself and others with my existance
I BELIEVE: that karma doesnt exsist
I OWE: my gratatude to a man who beat me and put me down.
I KNOW: that i am everything he said i am
I HATE: my life

weigh in

2008-08-20T20:09:00.000-07:00

okay, so dont get all excited. i know how it is when you are expecting results, and it just doesnt turn out the way you want. so, i only dropped 2 lbs this week. i mean I DROPPED 2 MORE LBS THIS WEEK!!!!! YAYYYYY!

i feel great. just thought you should know.

...and counting...

2008-08-17T19:56:00.000-07:00

mark told me today that i have lost 40lbs.

weird that i have been so focused on losing 2 lbs, that i lost 40 and didnt even realize it? i really hadnt added ot all up. now, this is 40lbs over the last year and a half. that doesnt sound like much, but i think its good. it means i didnt gain. it means that im making the small changes that stick. it means i am finally doing something that works. i hit 195 yesterday. 195! soon im going to be a size 10, and i havent been a size 10 in a very v ery long time. im wearing a size 12 now. i know 195 sounds too heavy for a 12, but i am very petite in frame, im only 5'2" and for the longest time i never broke over 115 lbs. so instead of being just a little person, im also around little person, so i just naturally fit smaller sizes. i want to be a size 8 for new years.

another thing i want to talk about.

i want to make a bucket list. i know it sounds morbid, but i think its a good excersize of goal and acomplishment. so here are a few of my items on my bucket list:

1. write a novel and get published.
2. quit my day job.
3. run a half marathon.
4. take a few months or even a few years and live abroad.
5. have a baby.

what's on your bucket list?

my confession.

2008-08-13T23:13:00.001-07:00

okay alright. here's the skinny.

i broke the 200 mark. i am now wasting away at 197. its a new low for me, and the smallest i have been in years. didnt want to really announce it till i was sure it stuck. its been a week.

next...

im hungry. and im tired. but i will get over it and get what i want. so, what is it that i want you say?

1. i want to buy clothes that fit me and are comfortable to wear, and i want those clothes to be purchased from a store other then the plus department at walmart. meaning i wan to shop the juniors section again.

2. DONT READ THE NEXT LINE MOM!!!
i want to be so appealing to my husband that he no longer cares about nascar.

3. i want to be treated better. and that brings me to another topic of conversation.

why do people treat you differently when your fat? most people are fat, so it doesnt make sense to me that all of a suddon, my opinions dont really matter, and if im fat i must be lazy. of course the other is true too, if you are a good looking well build girl, you can get away with being a total creep! just cuz your pretty doesnt mean your shit dont STANK!

4.to go to bed now. im sleepy. i read a book today. a whole book, and i worked a 12.5 hours shift today too. im partying like a rockstar, but without all the nakedness and drugs, and er, well...the party too i guess.

2008-08-09T18:45:00.000-07:00

I have been mediocre my entire life.

This isn't to say that I cant excel, I just haven't figured out what I want to excel in. I guess you could say I'm a late bloomer as far as what I want to do with the rest of my life. I still don't know and I'm turning 35 in a couple of months. This is why I have decided to give you a list of day dreams I have been having about growing up and finding something that sets me above the bar.

1. Cultural anthropologist, studying ancient civilizations from remote bug filled areas of the globe.

2. Novelist.

3. Running a little vegan bakery in some hippy dippy town, like San Diego or Portland. One that is so good it is only secretly vegan. food TV worthy cupcakes.

4. Teaching literature in a high school or university level setting, Ala dead poets society.

5. Rambling adventurer. Don't got a cent but I can always figure how to get from Tunisia to Bali.

6. Successful mother with adoring children who become well rounded, responsible yet still fun loving adults.

7. Choreographer to the stars.

8. Olympic mathlete.

Okay I'm only kidding about the last one. Seriously though, I would be really good at the rest, because they are already things I love to do. Your supposed to do what you love, right?

frustration

2008-08-04T13:51:00.001-07:00

why do i feel the blame when something goes wrong, even if im innocent?

list of 5 things

2008-07-22T19:44:00.000-07:00

that i am obsessed with...

1. my weight.
2. animal rights.
3. the color pink.
4. my mother.
5. my tan skin.

and now a breif description of one of my obsessions:

hmmmm, numer 5 i think.

i have a great tan. i do, because i pay good money for it. oh c'mon, ive given up high fructose corn syrup, i have been eating raw almonds for breakfast for weeks. i deserve one thing bad for me that isnt edible, dont you think? besides, i gave up smoking years ago and i go to the gym ALOT! so what if i get in a bed and give myself skin cancer. at least ill be tan.
why do they call it a healthy glow anyways? i mean what about being tan makes me feel so good? it makes me feel sexy and tropical and like i just ate pineapple (without having eaten said pineapple.) when i have tan skin i think it makes me appear healthier and thinner. not that i am thinner, but i have been trying awful hard.

see how i even managed to get my obsession with my weight in there? good thing i put it as number 1, huh?

getting down to it

2008-06-30T04:47:00.000-07:00

2 lbs left. 2 more lbs and i am under 200. i dont care how long it takes, im in no rush. all i know is that i havent been under two hundred in a very very long time.

todays plan is to have a 1000 calorie workout. i know it seems like alot, but an hour on the eliptical is 600 of those calories, and then i might just do a class. or maybe i'llo stay on the elipticle if i dont get bored, all i know is that i have to be there at least two hours today because i wont get another chance to go to the gym for a few more days because of work.

i hit my water goal the last few days. i know that doesnt sound ike a big accomplishment, but when you answer phones for 12 hours a day, its hard to find time to even tak a sip, and then there is the problem of peeing.

today i need a haircut too. its getting long and shaggy.

just a quick update

2008-06-24T05:13:00.000-07:00

got on the scale yesterday and almost fell over. i have 3 lbs to go to break the 200 barrier! 3lbs! i know that doent sound like i have lost that much, but when you work as hard as i do just to drop 5 lbs, its a bucket! im so excited that my new eating hab its are finally starting to pay off. YAY fiber!~

and...i'm...OFF!

2008-05-09T06:51:00.000-07:00

so the last 4 weekis have been pretty doggone nice. i had a few days wher i felt pretty yucky, but i was still sticking with the program. i have lost 11lbs. yep, thats right, 11 lbs. i even went out to dinner with a friend tuesday night and ordered the veggie chili, and i didnt eat a single tortilla chip. as a matter of fact, i took home a majority of the chili as well! yay me. i did have 3 drinks though, but the two hours i spent on the elipticle earlier the same day easily killed those bad boys.

mark is home, time to go shopping for some new summer clothes, and hit the gym. ps, im sunburnt, remind me not to do that again!

sometimes...just knowing is enough.

2008-05-05T13:48:00.000-07:00

i have been down lately, but i think that all the hard work and sweat and sunshine is paying off. i have a hurt foot, so i didnt go to my classesn yesterday, but i did mow most of my lawn with a push mower and i have found that the amount of sweat i can produce is extraordinary. i also built said pushmower and i helped cut up a fallen tree in my yard. i'm a regular lumber jill! i even used a chainsaw:)

swo i am feeling good lately. i know when i get home today i will have felt good knowing that i have had a productive day. i am starving though, and i know that it isnt good to be this hungry. i need a granola bar or something, so i dont binge.

i even took the time to blow out my hair after the gym today. i look like ai have super model hair. i should stop by super cuts and get a trim, but i know i will just dissapoint myself with the results. funny how my hair can dictate so much of my mood.

mark will be home soon. i should probably get going so he doesnt wonder where i was all day. job hunting, thats what i was doing!

OW OW OW! and other mental and physical ramblings.

2008-04-28T09:07:00.000-07:00

okay, so rised and shined today. 9:15 pilates for the first time ever. I was actually surprised at how difficult it was. I am super duper sore from yesterdays crazy sweaty day. my back is sore frm digging, my abs are sore from core class and my legs are sore from cardio sculpt class. i thought that if i did pilates today it would help to stretch some of those sore muscles. i was not informed about my decision. i didnt know that i would have to do a zillion crunches and sit ups in pilates. i was hoping for more of a yoga type class. so, now i am extra sore and i am going to put in my allie mcgraw yoga for relaxation tape and stretch these lactic acid filled muscle and hopefully work out some of the stiff. i was going to take a weights class after pilates, because im a glutton for punishment, but im still just too sore, so yoga it is.

i was also supposed to go to the garden and shovel more sand, but its raining pretty good, and not only do i not feel like working in the rain, but i know that wet sand is a shitload heavier then dry sand, and i just dont have the stregnth or energy to lift it right now. maybe tomorrow.

i did do a bad after my unfueled workout though. i went to charlies cafe and had tofu scrample, homefries, toast and coffee. it was greasy and good, but i am still pissed at myself for even giving in to the compulsion for eating. i really dont know why it is so hard to pass it up. when the little voice in my head says "ooooh, pancakes!!!" i just dont know why i cant tell myself no!

sad but true, i have issues with food that go way deeper then just over eating. there is a OEA meeting near my house, but i am to afraid to go, because i know a girl who goes and i dont like her and im afraid i cant open up if she is there judging me. i have a really hard time being honest with myself about my issues, much less a room full of strangers. this is why therapy doesnt work for me. i am too good at lying to myself and others to come out with what is really causing me eat. more on this later.

for those of you who are reading my stupid little blog, i am not to be the fodder for your gossip mill. if you are lucky enough for me to share whats really eating at me, and you read it on these pages, i am simply doing it because i need support and not judgement. if you want to judge someone, look in the mirror.

im fat, im not crazy. i have been through alot of shit in my life and this fat is just another symptom of my self deprivation. yes, deprivation. i know thats not a word used to decribe someone who is fat, but its horrible descriptive of the way i treat myself. i may not deprive myself of food, but i certainly deprive myself of alot of other things that could make me well. i deprive myself of my worth, i deprive myself of a healthy body and mind. i deprive myself of the love i know i deserve, and i deprive myself of the self esteem i once had. there are too many more to mention here, but i am sure you get the gist. i know all of these things have a cause and i know i need to move into a direction of healing, but i dont know how to start. im petrified of having to identify someone i love as a single manifestation of my issues and i dont want to admit that they have made me feel insignificant. i dont want them to feel guilty for the way that they have forced me to perceive myself. i dont want to cause someone else to feel the guilt that i feel when i blame them for making me who i have become. i dont want to ruin the relationship that i have now with this person, that i never thought i could have. i want the clock to move forward, and not backwards to dwell on the mistakes that were made. i want that part of my life to be behind me, instead of rearing its ugly head every time i binge. but, no luck. i know that the only way to let it out is to LET IT OUT! but im still scared of doing just that. im afraid i will have to be confrontational. i am afraid that i wont be taken seriously because i know if i grow a pair and just do it i will be crying the whole time. those of you who know me know that i cry at the drop of a hat and that can be perceived and being "overemotional or dramatic" to some.

if could have a onversation with this person, i would have a few questions that i would really like to be answered.
1. did you actually love me, or were you just playing the part of someone who was supposed to love me?
2. do you feel bad now knowing that how you treated me then has had such a profound effect on me now?
3. do you feel like you blamed me for parts of your life that went wrong, even though i was really just a bystander?
4. can you ever forgive me for airing my concerns in such a public manner?
5. what made me so different from the other one that you felt like you had to push me from you?

so, this was therapudic enough for me today. im going to apply ice to my sore muscles and then do some stretching and pulling of said muscles, and then i am taking a nap and reading in bed.

working on a good thing.

2008-04-27T13:59:00.000-07:00

i know its been a while since i posted, sorry about that, im actually spending more of my free time out doing stuff. since i lost my old desk job i can now only get to the gym 4 times a week. i have been a maniac lately though and i have been religious about going. i had gained back some of the weight previously lost and i decided that i was being stupid. all this hard work at the gym to just half ass it in the diet didnt seem to be making sense anymore. i had originally gotten down to 208. i know thats not great, but its the lowest number i have had in two years. after 2 weeks of clean eating, going to the gym and working out like a mad woman 4 days a week, i am now back down from 217 to 210.5. yup, thats 6.5 lbs in two weeks. so here is a rundown of what i have been eating and doing.

breakfast: granola bar (180 calories but a metric butt ton of whole grain high fiber goodness.
snack: banana or plum
workout at least 45 minutes on range of motion eliptical. sit in the sauna for 10 mins.
lunch: healthy choice garden vegetable soup (160 cals), oreo thin crisps (100cals) and a fruit cup (100 cals)
dinner:2 veggie burger patties microwaved (120 calories) 1 tbsp bbq sauce (40 cals), 2 servings of brussel sprouts (80 calories) 2 servings of frozen peas (60 cals) and 1 tsp smart balance lite (45 calories.)
i allow myself a snack of fruit or whole grain whenever i want it, so you might find an extra banana or granola bar or cup of tomato soup on any given day.

every sunday for the past few weeks i have taken a class at the gym, or two, because im crazy like a fox about the gym right now. i take a cardio sculpt class for 1 hour and sometimes i take yoga for 1 hour or i do a half hour abs core blast class. i am starting to enjoy the classes more and they really do break up the monotony of the same old machines and working out alone. my instuctor today looked just like reese witherspoon in legally blonde. she even talked like her. i wanna look like that again. just hot, smoking hot. i wanna be blzing hot. and fertile like a river valley. im 35 this year, so i better get a move on with this baby making thing.

ps, mark goes to the gym with me sometimes, and even of we arent working out together, i like just knowing that he is there. plus he needs it too. it will make him feel better i think.

when it rains it pours...

2008-01-15T16:45:00.001-08:00

today was a great day in so many ways and a shitty day in so many others.
marks car broke down at the most inopportune moment ever. not only did i lose my job this week, but he starts school again and has to pay tuition. this means that at this moment in time we owe school and mechanic $5k. nice huh? its a perfect time to be out of work. looks like we are going to have to dip into our retirement. it sucks, but we don't have a choice. no car means mark is out of work, and we cant have two people jobless now can we.
on the good side, i landed a job. i start tomorrow, so with my severance package and my vacation time i essentially only missed 1 day of work. hopeful the pay period is the same so i don't have to wait 2 weeks for my first check. other good news is that i am super woman. i stayed on the elliptical for 1 hour 15 minutes today. and i did 30 minutes on the recumbent. that's an hour 45 of cardio. i was watching a movie in the cardio theater and i just didn't want to stand there and watch the end, so i just kept on going. i should feel really good about that right?

and now i have to say something totally sappy.

through thick and thin, good times and bad, mark has been by my side telling me that it will all work out, and then miraculously it does. and for that, i thank him. i might not be lucky with money, but i am definitely lucky in love.

last two days

2008-01-14T11:49:00.000-08:00

yesterday i weighed in at 219. i went to the movies with my friend beth and her husband. i had fries, and i know thats bad. i had nothing but stright up veggies with a touch of kosher salt for dinner to make up for it.

i went to the gym directly after the movie. i did 20 minutes on the elipticle and 30 on the bike, then i did 22 on the treadmill. the reason i stayed so long was that i hadnt seen the movie before and i got there just as it started. im going back there today to watch raiders of the lost ark, its one of my favs. if no one is in there when i get there i might just start it from the begining. i will at least walk for the the whole thing.

i have some housework to do before then and i want to get there before it gets busy. feeling good today, just a little over it. would rather stay home and play video games, but i know that i wont make goal doing that. so...off i go!

ps, bug my mother to let us all know how she did on her half marathon!!!

i did it

2008-01-12T17:06:00.000-08:00

i dont mean to pat myself on the back or toot my own horn or whatever metaphore you prefer, but i rock the kasbah right now.

i had a luna and water for breakfast and then headed to the gym for my first workout with Kevin (the trainer.) he proceeded to get me on some machines and work on my chest, arms and back. that wasnt so bad. i could have probably pushed more weight but whatever, i'm there to learn form. then he killed me. he made me do a 20 second wall squat, then run up and down the stairs 3 times, the another 20 second wall squat and then 3 more times up and down the stairs. i know that doesnt sound like much, but if you have ever tried walking down steps with jello legs you will know why i was coming down so slowly. kevin said "hurry up, why are you going to slow?" i was like "dude, i dont want to fall down the stairs!" he laughed and said "okay, as long as you still run up them, thats what counts!" then we headed over to work on my shoulder a bit. i have range of motion and some pain after 2 bike accidents (yep, you heard right, 2 accidents.) i used no weight on one and 3lbs weights on the other, i also did shoulder presses with 10lb weights. then the sled and abs. then 30 minutes of cardio on the recumbant. yeah, i know i wussed out using the recumbant instead of the elipticle, but i used the elipticle as my 10 minute warm up and again durring my stregth training with kevin to give my heart rate a boost between sets.

over all i feel pretty good. i had steel ground oatmeal with agave nectar, raisins and walnuts along with 2 slices of ezekial bread toasted with margarine for lunch. i think it was a full days serving of fiber. tonight im having rice and veggies for dinner with a few of the morningstar farms chik'n strips (for those of you havent tried them, give em a shot, all the taste and texture, none of the fat or cholesterol.)

i am actually looking forward to going to the gym tomorrow, and this time im forcing mark to go with me. he needs to move around more!

good morning!!!

2008-01-11T06:39:00.000-08:00

okay so my weigh in today was 218. my goal for next friday is 213. i can do 213. i know i can. no binging, eating right and healthy, getting in a workout everyday for the next week. even if its just cardio i am going to do this week right and make this a 5 lb week. this s a 5 lb week. no problem, i can do it. i can have a big number once in a while. i can you know. i can have it if i work for it. i can lose 5 lbs this week. 7 days, no problem.

am i psyched up enough? yep. because i can do it!

bad news good news

2008-01-10T18:04:00.000-08:00

bad news is always first....i lost my job. im pathetic and i hate myself. i have never been fired from anywhere before. ever. but, thems the breaks i guess. i really loved it at Peta. i really really loved it there. i worked really hard for them. i messed up. i got fired because i transposed some numbers on an address, and i miscalculated a delivery date on another package. there. i said it. i messed up. i have been there for 3 years and have saved them thousands of dollars over the years, but i guess that doesnt amount for anything. one think i can say about them now is i wonder if they think that people who are dedicated to the cause are a dime a dozen. fact of the matter is %90 of the planet thinks that we are a bunch of kooks. please dont misinterpret what im saying. yes, i messed up. its my fuck up and i can own it. over the last 3 years i have learned a lot and i have made some relly good friends. peta as a whole is great organization is the greatest thing ever and the work they do is phenominal. there are just a few people who leave a bad taste in my mouth. not the whole organization, just a few of the incharges. those of you who worked with me there who read this blog, please dont judge. im angry, and i feel like i have the right to be. i lost my job and this is better then the sadness that overwhelms me everytime i think about it. i may sing another tune in a week when i start my new job. i wish you all the best of luck and i hope you wish me the same. maybe i should wait to write about it until after the shock of it all wears off, but my blog is for me, and no one else, and if you dont like what i write, then you dont have to read it. oh, one more thing...this does not mean im going to run out and eat a steak. sorry.

good news...i have a new job, well, actually not a new one, and old one to be exact. im taking a position with Banfield. its the job i left to work at Peta. im pretty excited about it. my boss, beth, is my bff. i love her and i love working with her and i love banfield. i know that this was a good decision.

more good news...i got on the elipticle today for the first time. i went for 35 minutes and i did hills. big level 8 hills. painfull hills. go me. oh and im down to 218 this morning. go me again.

feeling confident.

2008-01-02T17:51:00.000-08:00

i learned a few things today about myself that i kinda knew but was still surprized to hear.

1. i have a 123 lb frame (bones muscle and other things i need)
2. i have almost 100lbs of pure gross fat. 44.5% of my total body weight!
3. i am freakishly strong (i got high end of average on stregnth test.)
4. my heart is not efficient. it is operating way below what it should be.

kevin was great, a bit nervous, but he was anxious to get working as much as i was. i let him know how on fire i am about getting fit and he seemed to understand where i was coming from. he wanted me to take it easy today and tomorrow and rest on friday completely (he means only do 45 mins cardio today and tomorrow.) he said he wants me fresh and ready for an ass kickin on saturday morning. he also suggested a double up. he says that if i can come in and do 30 mins of cardio before work in the morning, and then come back after work, do another 30 mins cardio and push some weights, i would see even further results. he said that a morning cardio routine helps boost metabolism, not to mention its easier to do cardio for 30 minutes then it is to do it for an hour, yet you are still getting the same results of doing an hour because it adds up.

so, i did 30 minutes of cardio on the recumbant. i would have stayed longer but keeping my hr up to 132 was tough, and i really didnt sleep at all last night, so im tired. its only 9:40 and i am already thinking about going to bed already.

oh, i also ate 1300 calories today. go me!

a brand new year!!!

2008-01-01T21:36:00.000-08:00

i had a wonderful time last night at ahouse party my friend was having. mark and i both really enjoyed ourselves (thanks erin!) that said, now it is crunch time. i have two resolutions this year.

1. make more then an effort to get down to a size 8 by this time next year, if not smaller.
2. have sex every day, whether i feel like it or not.

the first one is a given. but im thinking that the second one needs explaining.

mark and i have become more roomates then lovers in the last few months. its not horrible, but we have had alot of outside stress and it has taken a toll on us romantically. for the last year and a half we have been trying to have a baby and for all the reasons in the world, we havent been successful (obviously.) not to mention school and work and marks family issues, let just say that finding time to be intimate and have the energy, not to mention being in tune with each others needs has been a little bit of challenge. we have been together for almost 10 years and these things happen. we know its always going to be an eb and flow thing but thats still no excuse. i read an article by a man who he and his wife were going through some of the same issues and they made the same resolution. they discovered that the more they "did" it, the more they wanted it, and closer they became to one another. this is the one thing that i think mark and i need, not just to help our relationship, but to also help with our self esteem. besides, it is a great workout!

sorry mom, i should have warned you first!

tomorrow is a big day for me. i have my first session with a trainer tomorrow. i hope he is a drill sargent like jillian on TBL. i want someone to PUSH me, hard. really hard. i want to cry and throw up and lose big numbers. it would be nice if he isnt nice. i dont want him to be nice, and i am going to tell him so, right off the bat. im kinda nervous.

about TBL. mom, i wish we could do something like this together. i miss you alot, and im so proud of how far you have come and where you are headed. i want you know know what an inspiration you are to me and when i check your blog and you dont post everyday i get sad. i want to know what youre doing and how youre doing. watching the season premeir tonight made me wish that we lived closer together so we could support each other better. wanna move to virginia?

today

2007-12-30T18:59:00.000-08:00

another hour on the recumbant. i almost wish i had one at my house to put in front of the tv, but then i doubt i would ever use it and it would soon look like something i bought to hang my laundry on. i dont mind walking on the treadmill, or running in short spurts but it does cause e pain, in my feet and in my bum knee. i can use the recumbant for longer and get my heart rate up for longer without the stress on my joints. when i watch tv i almost forget that im even excersizing. the only think i wish was that there was a hols in the back of the seat for my tailbone. i know that sounds funny, but when i was playing roller derby i fell and broke it and even though it took FOREVER to not hurt just sitting, it still gets achey when i pedle the bike for a half hour. i have to pause it and stand up for a few seconds just to wake up my ass muscles. my butt goes numb and thats super annoying.

tonight i made a deal with my man. if can fit into a size 8 by next new years, he has to take me out to a fancy schmancy new years party. i mean super ritzy. maybe a cruise to nowhere, black tie and sparkely dress thing where we can drink champagne and toast to our health. even if no one else goes with us i have always wanted to do something like that. i told him i wanted him to be all james bond like too, in a tux with a white jacket and acting all manly and suave. hahaha! i think its a good goal to look forward to.

tonight i took myself to see a movie and i had an hour to kill at the theater which is our mall, so i went into barnes and nobel to look around. i found two log journals, on was a nutrition journal and the other was a workout log. i am going to start using both on weds, after my personal training session. i am also going to be super candid with the trainer and tell him that i want him to PUSH me harder then he thinks he can. i am freakishly strong for my size and the last time i had a trainer they didnt make me push near enough weight. i need someone to take me sriously. i want to look like i used to after i left wayne. buffer then buff. i wan a ripped up six pack instead of this keg i carry around. i want to be scary hot and i want people to tell me to fuck off (sory mom) when i tell them how fat i was. and then i wnt to go to pastry school and open my own vegan bakery. does it even sound possible? oh and i want a pink kitchenade stand mixer. i know i can i know i can i know i can.

wow, i even impress myself sometimes!

2007-12-29T12:08:00.000-08:00

so i havent written in a while and i thought i would catch up. merkie got me a golds gym membership for christmas. the week before i was using my 7 day free pass. i have been on vacation for the last week and i have still managed to get to the gym at least 4 days for the last two weeks. although i thought the cardio theater would be the highlight for me, i actually have a different favorite. on the third floor of my gym there are cardio machines that have tv's attached to them. i plug in my earphones and watch tv for an hour, on the recumbant. i like it because it keeps my mind occupied and makes going to the gym not such a bore. an hour. i never stay on anything for an hour because i get to bored. i have done an hour every time and today i weighed in and i lo0st 3 lbs! can you beleive it? over the HOLIDAYS???? whats up with that?

im so pissed at myself though. i cant beleive i let me get this big. WTF? i was so hot. and now, BLECH! and then i did really well for a while and lost 30 and then my dumb ass screwed up and stopped working. so i gained it all back! i keep imagining how hot i woulod be if i kept working and didnt stop. and i think that is really where my issues lie. i start and then i give up. i have to work on that. its a new year and a new begining. its a brand new start for me and i feel really good about it. i also have my first session with a personal tyrainer on weds. his name is kevin and i hope he isnt super hot. i dont want to be distracted and made to feel gross. mark doesnt want him to be super hot either. oh and mark got a membership too. although i dont think he is going to use it. he didnt use the last two memberships he bought. any ideas on how i can get him motivated?

finnigan beginagain

2007-12-20T17:20:00.000-08:00

i did something tonight that i have NEVER done. i went to golds to use my seven day pass. i went into the cardio theater and i watched home fries. i walked the whole movie. the whole damn thing. usually i get so bored after 30 minutes i stop. tonight i did an hour more then that. now i get to make cookies. chocolate chip. dont hate...im a rocks star. i feel alot better tonightt then i did last night. i actually cant wait to go tomorrow and watch another movie. its the coolest. now can i afford to pay for two gyms at once? mark says that he would pay 300 dollars a month if i was getting into shape. so i guess maybe i can forgo netflix for a while. and maybe give up a pedicure. then i can afford it. i cant not afford it. i need it. i just wish i wanted it. its so much easier to sit on the couch and just be fat. must...motivate....self.....

i know i know i know

2007-12-19T20:37:00.000-08:00

its been a great big amount of time since my last post. since my scoobucket went to the big dog park in the sky. its been really hard. i know that most of you dont know me, actually strike that...no one here knows me, except my mom. so i should take a minute to tell you something very personal about myself and then im just going to move on. i am a VERY emotional person. it doesnt take much to make me cry. i hate it, but its true. the last month has been really hard for me. every time i see something of hers i freak out. the sad thing is i cant bring myself to completely erase her presents in my home. just yesterday i was doing some heavy duty cleaning (my dads coming to stay with us for the holidays) and i pulled the couch away from the wall, there i found scoo's favorite purple sweater. i had to stick it to my face and just smell her. of course then the water works started and a total breakdown to follow. i asked mark if i should chuck the sweater, as none of my other dogs (i have 3 chihuahuas also) can fit into it. he said yes, and i lost it again, took a big sniff and decided that i needed to beable to smell her whenever i wanted to. is that weird? i guess its just that this dog has been sharing a pillow with me for the last 10 years, and dammit, that means something. god, i miss her so much. so now i have to change the subject and hope that i can calm myself again.

dieting sucks. excersizing sucks. i just want to be home and i dont want to go to the gym. its too cold now to walk, and my dogs even hate it (even with their coats and boots on they dont like going.) i found a girl at work to work out with me. she is already in really good shape and i thought that if i wanted to have a workout partner that it would be good for me to be with someone who knows what they are doing. she was super enthusiastic at first, but now she is less motivated then i am. i thought she would be the one to push me and i actualy feel like its the other way around. i have come to terms with it. also, i bought a new membership to a new smaller gym in my neighborhood, and then 3 days later toured the new golds super complex on the other side of my neighborhood. im sad that i signed a year and cant afford both. i normally wont like the "box" gyms, especially the one like mom joined, but this place is brand spanking new and includes all classes. its very cool. if only santa would get me a membership at golds. i have been good you know.

so, that said, im going at least 3 days a week. i could do more but i am lacking in motivation. i have been eating like crap and i have no excuse. i binge. every time i get in the car i have to go through the drive through and get fries. i dont know why, i just have a compulsion i cant control. its like abrain malfunction. either that or im really stupid. i guess it all just comes from wanting to feel good. its all i really desire, right? i mean i feel like shit when im hungry, so i eat to feel good. i feel like shit when i dont get enough sleep, so i sleep all day on days i dont have any other engagements planned. why? because it feels good. also i have been really depressed (duh!) missing my girl, and work and friends and everything in life that can get complicated. sometimes i wish i only had me to worry about. like if i were single, then i wouldnt have to worry about whether or not he got the oil changed in the car or if he put money in the account so my checks dont bounce. know what i mean. sometimes i think single people have it made, do what you want, come and go as you please, with no one to answer to but yourself. then again, being with mark has been one of the best things in my life, even if it is really hard sometimes. and again, about the eating. he judges me every time i eat. im not just saying this because i feel like he does, he actually says something. i know he is trying to be helpful, but he doesnt really know much about nutrition or the value of a calorie. he actually asked me one day if i really needed that much lettuce in my salad. strange huh? it wasnt the dressing he was worried about, it was the green leafy romaine! i had to explain to him that i can have as much lettuce as i want (its almost calorie free because of all the fiber) and if i want to eat a salad the size of new york, it still wouldnt be unhealthy. here is a list of ingredients i put on my salad: lettuce (field greens, romaine and spinach) green and black olives, garbanzo beans, cucumber, grape tomatoes, sunflower seeds, raisins and red wine or balsamic vinegar (i dont like oil on my salad.) now tell me, what is a proper portion for this if im starving? should he not be glad i didnt pull myself up to a giant bowl of pasta? okay i know im ranting now. i love mark, i love mark, i love mark.

okay so, drumroll please....i have gained every pound back. everything i worked so hard for until my accident, i have put back on, 20 lbs. now, let me have it....im ready... i need it. please?

we will meet on the rainbow bridge

2007-11-25T23:21:00.001-08:00

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable. All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind. They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster. You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your companion, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart. Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together.... Author unknown...

so long scooter...we will miss you with all of our hearts. thank you for being such a wonderful dog and for showing us what unconditional really meant. thank you for the best 9 years of our lives. i love you my little fat smelly scoobucket!

if you ever loved an animal, concider helping those who do not have a voice. make a contribution to www.truefriendsmemorial.com. thank you.

vegan cupcakes take over the world!!!

2007-11-12T19:19:00.000-08:00

okay, so. i had a few days of good eating and a few days of not so good eating. i know i can do better. i have been logging my food, and that helps me alot. here's the good news....i dont eat sweets very much. seriously. im a salty person, i like chips...oh lord do i like chips! so yesterday i went out and splurged on a book called "vegan cupcakes take over the world." i made a dozen cupcakes and i have eat 1 and 1/2 (shared one with markie.) im okay with that. i just really like to bake and decorate. i brought the rest of the cuppers to work today and gave them away to my friends. last nights were yellow cakes with vanilla frosting dyed pink and green and swirled on like a swirled soft serve ice cream cone. then i put on pink and green sugar sprinkles. tonight i made anothe 12. this time chocolate with peanutbutter cream filling, peanutbutter frosting and a chocolate ganosh topping. heres the good part, no cholesteral and a fraction of the fat. i even used non-hydrogenated shortening.

a turn in the road.

2007-11-09T05:22:00.000-08:00

honesty and accountability.

im ready.

getting back on the road to health is more difficult then the first start. after a few months of not paying attention, not working on me, i am finally starting to get why it is i did it all in the first place. in the begining it for mark. he deserves to have a beautiful healthy and thin wife, and he wants it too. now i do it for me. my body is not who i am, yet it is who i am perseved to be. i am slender in my minds eye. im so fat in real life that people cant see beyond it sometimes. i hate it. i hate hate it. i hate feeling sluggish and not having enough energy to get through the day. i hate feeling like everyone is watching me every time i eat. i am tired of having to take the metformin. i dont want to do it anymore.

i hope this time it sticks, and please, no judgement. we all know that this is a really super hard thing to do, and we all know that it takes many starts to finally succeed. hopefully this is the new start that i need.

on that note. got up really early today, 7am, which is super early for me, i usually dont get up until 8:15. mark and i walked the dogs and i made oatmeal and toast for breakfast. i packed my lunch and now im off to work. its friday. a bad day to start a new life, but whatever. i can do the weekend. i think im just going to take it one day at a time. friday, day one of clean eating and healthy activity.

why i want, what i want.

2007-10-27T22:04:00.000-07:00

i freaking love this bike, and i swear, if i had one, i would ride it everywhere. i mean it, everywhere!!!!

okay, so tonight was my birthday party at my friends house! ( yay MARTA!!!) we had costumes. mark was super mario, and i am the princess that he saves from bowzer. i am a damsel in this dress. and although i like this costume alot, i swear, by this time next year, i will be buying my costume from the stripper store. i mean it, i will! now, tonight, my feet hurt because i had to wear a pair of shoes i havent wore in 3 years (very high.) so my feet hurt like a bitch, and there is no music on at said party. so here i am, on my knees in front of a stereo, trying to figure out why there is not any music for my ass to dance too, and after justuin timberlate starts singing, i stand up an d my freaking shoe is broken. almost gratefully i take them off and abandon them. now im walking around in socks and my feet are very sore. i have at this point had some very weird strange non-jello shots (we vegans dont eat gelatin, which is basically boiled down skin and bones of dead animals.) and we use agar agar flakes to make said tasy drinks which have massive amounts of alcohol in them. so, you will never guess what i am. okay, maybe you will. yes, thats right, im wasted. knee deep in drunkity drunk. its not often that i find myself in this position. i m normally the one who drives everyone else home. but needlessly to say, im way too drinkity to even type. so whatever, it my freaking burthday ,and the last two years have sucked, so its about ferikan time my burthday rocked, and it does, so there. hahahaaa!

ps, i think this the last time i try to write drunk. tomorrow i shall regret it. love youa llan goodnight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

not ready

2007-10-26T20:59:00.000-07:00

i wanted to write a blog about the last few days, but i have decided that some of it is not only too personal, but a little too much info for most. so im going to try to explain things the best i can. i had a girly incident at work yesterday. i ended up in the emergency room. i am fine, so no worries there. i went to my regular dr today and i am still waiting on some test results. apparently i have a disease that not only affects my girl parts, but my weight, my skin and my mood. i had no idea. it could very well be the single thing that started my weight gain in the first place. not that it matters now, but if i dont treat it, i can lead to heart disease, endometrial cancer and diabetes (which i already have.) so, with all that said, my weight loss journey has now become more then just wanting to look hot in a bathing suit ( or jeans for that matter.) its now about saving and extending my life.

so, todays weigh in 206.5.
i'll have to wait 4 days for a 5 day average.
giant salad for dinner, mashed taters, some yellow rice. nothing in abundance.

green grossness

2007-10-20T09:40:00.000-07:00

okay, so i have what i think is bronchitis. if it persists on monday, im going to the dr's. last time i had brochitis i ended up in the hospital with pnumonia and had 2 weeks of bedrest. i feel like shiznit. i cant breathe and my throat hurts. i woke up this morning thinking that it wiould be so much easier if i just died. seriously. my lungs are coughing up bits of green and my throat feels like someone built a bonfire in it. i went horribly unvegan yesterday by having honey in my tea to sooth my burning throat, and now not only do i phisically feel ill, but i also beel morraly bankrupt. not that im the vegan nazi or anything, its just that if i can avoid cruelty to animals i will, and a sore throat doesnt give me the right to renig on that. next time i'll just use a couple of drops of eucalyptus oil, and then i wont have to feel guilty. what really upsets me is that i was really really looking forward to a party i was invited to today. my friend jason and his girlfriend are having a baby in about 3 weeks. one of my coworkers is throwing ashley a baby shower today. i want to go, desperatly. but i know that if on the off chance that whatever is causing my coughing fits is contageous, i really shouldnt be around anyone, especially 8 month pregnant girls. the sad part is is that i love jason. i really do, he is the greatest guy ever and i know that he is one in a million lifetime friends ever. so instead of just hitting up the baby registry i decided to make him a heirloom instead. i spent the last 3 weeks crochetting him a baby blankey fit for his new little prince. and i know that when the gifts are being opened, all the ooohing and ahhhing over the tiny little baby clothes they will receive will turn to OMG and tears when they open my gift, just because i put so much love in it. i want to be there to see it. but instead i have to drag my sicko self out of bed, brush my hair and teeth, and drag myself over to the party, just to drop it off at the door. damn. double damn.

bleary eyed

2007-10-15T21:40:00.000-07:00

i read Wally Sparks' "the notebook" in two days. yesterday i read for an hour, tonight i started at 9 ish and just now ended. my eyes are sore and red from all that girly sobbing. i cant help it. I'm emotional, what can i say.

i have reason to celebrate though. i FINALLY found the parts for my scooter. i ordered them tonight. it cost me a handful, but its well worth it. SOOOOO HAPPY!

went grocery shopping after getting home from work. found a new store that carries fairly good produce for very low prices. kiwi's were 20 cents each. that's amazing. so i bought tons of veggies and fruit. they are going to be my main staple for the week. next Monday i am doing a 5 day master cleanse. me and another girl in my office are going to do it together, however, she is going the entire 10 days. i don't know if i can do that, so I'm setting my goal for 5 days, Monday thru Friday. i have to buy a citrus juicer before then, because my regular juice tiger doesn't handle citrus well. i am having carrot and kale juice for breakfast tomorrow though, and oddly enough, I'm kind of looking forward to it.

tonight's walk Du jour was the best one i had yet in this neighborhood. i took the chi's only, as scooter can barely make it around the block anymore, and i didn't want to have to carry her. we walked at a fairly quick pace after all the business was done of course. we walked for forty minutes. for those of you who live in my area, here was my walk. i live on Newport, in colonial place (historical) and i walked all the way down to the water, where the mansions are, so it's approximately 7 blocks. then i headed north on mayflower until it dead ended. i crossed the street and headed south walking in the grass instead of the sidewalk. i followed mayflower up to new jersey. to jersey to gosnold, and hung a right, one block to Delaware. i was going to walk up Delaware, but i have taken that route before so i decided to cross the street, and head back to jersey. i followed that up to Newport, crossed the street and walked 1 block back to my house. i need to take the car and see how far that is. it took me about 40 minutes and i enjoyed it immensely. i wish i had bigger dogs so i could run part of it if i wanted. the chi's all hit the deck when i run (OH SHIT< SHE IS GONNA SQUASH US!) they just don't get it i guess. but i do try to keep pace with them. they are like little sled dogs, thank god for harnesses!

i am now a sleeper

2007-10-14T18:36:00.000-07:00

for the first time in my adult life, i am sleeping on a brand new mattress. its a royal windsor delux pillowtop. i slept through the whole night, without trazadone. can you beleive it? i really didnt want to get out of bed this morning.

also, i want a bike. not just any bike, but one of those retro cool miami sun adult tricycles. i found one on ebay thats pink too! i heart it! so if any of you are wondering what to get me for my birthday or christmas or hannukah, just remember, angie wants a retro style tricycle. one with the wide seat and the basket on the back. hint hint, unasembled doesnt matter, i have a friend who rehabs bikes. also another hint, color doesnt matter either, as said friend can paint to my pearlized bubblegum pink specifications. oooooh, im so in love!!!! and the weather here for the next few months is perfect for riding too!

as for food and excersize. i did super good all week. fruit for breakfast, on two days i had a luna and some raisins and other fruit for lunch, and ww pasta with onions mushrooms and boca three nights in a row. i know that sounds weird but that is how i am. if i crave something, i eat it unitl im sick of it. at least now i split it up over a few days, rather then all at once! i am walking my neighborhood every day, several times a day and mark says im looking svelt lately. i dont know how much of that i beleive, but i'll take what i can get. mark has been walking with me too, and that makes me happy.

ow again

2007-10-08T19:57:00.000-07:00

i burnrd the lkiving crap out of the middle finger of my right hand. i have been icing it for so long. i cant type verywell with my left hand. so, keeping it short tonight. 1252 cals consumed. walked for a total of 1.25 hrs (3 walks.) got the 'ol pig home, sure felt good to ride tonight. stupid me touched a hot pipe on her belly. my blog has come full circle!

fruit loops and coke are vegan

2007-10-06T18:31:00.000-07:00

today i had alot of errands to run. wanted to take the dogs to the new dogpark but it was raining this morning. got a good walk in anyways, and when its raining, its not hot and humid. went to breakfast at my favorite greasy spoon. i had tofu scramble with veggies, veggie sausage and dry ww toast. i had yuba for lunch (if you would like to know what it is, use wikipedia ;) and for dinner i had the best dinner ever. field greens salad with raisins, grape tomatoes, and balsamic. half a sweet potato with margarine, grilled sweet corn on the cob (plain, its so good it needs nothing) and two grilled portobella mushrooms with carmelized onions. im stuffed. im happy. oh, and today markie and i walked. alot. we took the dogs for two really good walks today. i am hoping he will join me soon at the gym. all in all i would say it was a really good day! i took the chihuahuas to care alot pet supply to get new harnesses and dog food, which trust me, a saturday with three chi's in a place thats packed with not only people but their companion dogs as well, is a workout in itself. i was sweating!!!!

what i really need

2007-10-05T18:45:00.000-07:00

is a reason to get up and get out. im in a new place and im nesting, and i know it. one thing thats really bothering me though. my bike. i love my scooter. its one of my most favorite things in the world. i love being on it and riding. when i have it i feel like going places. so today i decided. im getting my bike back. no matter what. i will ride it with the body parts broken. i dont care. i need to feel the wind on my face. i dont like having to rely on other people. besides, waiting for mark to get home from work is definatly not conducive to me getting to the gym. eating for the week has been good though. i havent made a major pig out of myself. i have however been eating lots of fresh fruit lately. does anyone out there like avocados? i love em. cut them up and put them in sammiches, eat them out of the shell with a little sea salt, mmmmm!

my friends are going to the outer banks this weekend. im getting my scooter back. by monday i hope tio be getting back intot he swing of things. i need this.

uh-oh oreos

2007-10-02T17:19:00.000-07:00

well the miove is finally done. Mark and i are slowly but surely unpacking boxes and getting our house back in order. i really love our new place, and our new neighborhood. god i hope when i buy a house i can buy one here.

as far as the move itself goes, it was rather painless. several of our friends showed up and it was over before you can say beer. mark made chili and this orzo salad and some veggie burgers on the grill. food was awsome. on a side note i ate like shit all weekend. i have a decent excuse (lame as that may be) we had no running water until yesterday afternoon. that means no cooking, no cleaning and no flushing of toilet. also we had junk food in the house (donuts, oreos, chips) and i have zero resolve when its in my face. i know i know. its not me thats bad, its my choices.

truth is, im finding it really difficult if not impossible to get back on the proverbial horse. i feel like im struggling with it out of sheer laziness. i dont want to go to the gym, i dont want to log my food, i dont want to weigh and measure everything anymore and i dont want to feel blah about what im eating!

what i want is to wake up one morning and be thin. i want my old body back. i want random men to flirt with me while i wait online at the grocery. the problem is that i find myself unwilling to work for it anymore. maybe because its so slow going? i mean, look how hard you have to work to drop a measly 2 lbs a week! 4 days at the gym and starving...is it worth it? i guess what im trying to say is "is there a better way?" how do i rebreak the cycle of eating and not working out?

Hooray For Tuesday!!!

2007-09-25T19:39:00.001-07:00

my one goal today was to avoid the bagels. tuesdays in my office there are bagels and all the fattening things that go with them. granted they are vegan so its not as bad as if it were the real deal but it still isnt good for me. i wanted to stick to more wholesome foods this week and a bagel and schmear are not on that list.

food list:
breakfast-banana, honeycrisp apple
snack-banana and strawberry soy yogurt
lunch- two slices of tofurkey on 12 grain with about a tablespoon of veganaise
organic carrots with goddess dressing
handfull of raw almonds and brazil nuts
snack pack of natural unsweetend apple sauce
dinner- handfull of raw almonds and brazil nuts
sliced white potato in olive oil with garlic and other seasonings

not bad if i do say so myself. i am going to log it into sparkpeople after i finish this blog. i still caint weigh in because mark packed my scale.

only 3 more days until i move. everything is packed up except the kitchen and one closet. mark with finish it tomorrow while im doing the last loads of laundry i will ever have to do in a laundry mat (hopefully.) i sent out the invite for our moving party. mark is going to cook and we are supplying the booze. hopefully that will be enough of an incentive for my friends to pitch in. we really do want it to be like a party after the truck is empty. we have a giant new porch. we are going to have to get some furniture for it! i would like to get a nice wicker set, but i dont think our budget will allow for it. anyone know of anyone who has patio furniture they dont want? okay, well, shower time and then i have to get sleep! night!

another day another dollar

2007-09-24T20:28:00.000-07:00

today was a good day. i cant tell you how much i weigh because my scale is broken, but i can say that i had a decent eating day. there are a few things i cannot turn down, and one was for lunch today. its chickette wraps from Yorgo's. i love those things. i wonder how many calories they are. anyways, i started the day with an apple, then i had some kombucha tea (it makes my head tingle.) then i had my whole grain sammich with 3 slices of deli slices (vegan of course) and a little veganaise. then i had a chickette wrap, and a soy yogurt. for dinner i had a rather large salad with goddess dressing, whole wheat rotini with garlic, olive oil (good fat) and broccoli. i just finished my day off with 2 slices of Ezekiel, toasted with margarine. okay so it looks like i had a lot of food, but it was all good healthy food, and i need to let myself eat, right?

only a few more days until moving day and I'm really looking forward to it. i hope my friends show up. last year no one showed to help us and it was sad. mark and i had such a hard time getting it all done. i am not really looking forward to the moving itself (except i love the new place so much) but i am looking forward to the party after. i really like hanging out.

i also have a girl at work who i directed to my blog and fat coalition. she just joined spark people. if she gets a membership at the rec i think I'll invite her to hiit with me. i do so much better when i have someone to push!

okay, well, i promised mark i would do the dishes before i went to bed, so here i go! night!

im going to be a rock star

2007-09-23T07:11:00.000-07:00

and its only going to have really fat people in my band. and we are going to play death metal. we are going to call ourselves "morbidly obese."

okay, enough jokes. i woke up this morning and picked up "skinny bitch." i finished it. i want to do and be what it tells me. i want to stop putting chemicals and crap into my body and become more healthy and alive. so, with that said, i want to talk about what i have eaten in the last week and where my changes should take place.

last week i started everyday with a Luna bar, around 9:30 ish and maybe some organic grapes. lunch was a whole grain (12 grain organic) sammy with veganaise (vegan mayo made with grape seed oil also organic)and some sort of meat analogue (replace such as light life roasted turkey flavored slices,) organic celery, organic grape tomatoes and organic romaine lettuce. dinner i have had organic whole wheat pasta with "chreese" sauce (ask me for the recipe, less calories and fat then the real thing and packed with b vitamins. or for dinner i would have another sammich and some sliced up veggies raw and dipped in organic hummus. or i would have steamed veggies and brown rice with sesame oil. or a garden salad with organic veggies and Annie's organic goddess dressing. also i started drinking kombucha tea and green tea. i must say, if i didn't have tom, i would feel fantastic. really. I'm awake and alert (with the exception of yesterday but i can blame that on the tequila) i have just more energy all together. I'm quite satisfied.

now for the things i need to change. sugar. i need no sugar, high fructose corn syrup or aspartame. that's why when i went out for a drink or two with my friends i ended up doing shots of tequila. that leaves me with the next thing to cross off the list. booze. its not that i drink often, because i dint. i usually have 1 day a week where i go out and relax with my friends and have a few. the problem with this one day a week is that the next day I'm totally shot! so although i enjoy my Friday after work drinks, its time i become a grown up and order iced tea instead. although skinny bitch says that organic red wine is okay on occasion. its not going to happen though because i hate red wine! never had a taste for it i guess. next change is going to be my lack of exercise. i haven't had a work out since my accident. i keep blaming it on the soreness and stiffness in my shoulder, or the bruising and lumps under my shins, but i know its just my fat ass taking over my head. I'm lazy and i don't want to do it. but i will. i will. if it means i have to force myself, i will get back on the treadmill and hiit it with a vengeance. next new change is more raw veggies. then i can get rid of the wussy 12 grain and move up to Ezekiel bread. and no more Luna bars either, I'm a Lara bar girl very soon (after i eat the already 6 bars i have left.)

today i ate an apple and 2 shots of kombucha and a cuppa of green tea. for luch i plan on having a sammich, and some salad. dinner, i might just have to have that pasta and chreese sauce again, it's just that good!

a lot on my mind tonight

2007-09-22T21:09:00.001-07:00

We are clerks, we are teachers. We are lawyers, we are nurses. We are mothers, sons, construction workers, accountants, firefighters, soldiers, interior decorators. We attend PTA meetings, poetry readings, take our kids to soccer practice, mow our lawns. We struggle over bills, we fight colds. We yell at our computer, we worry about terrorism. We are pro-choice, we are pro-life. We are vegetarians. We have jobs. We don't wear leather. We are animal rights activists.

In the seven or so years I've been an advocate for animals, Ive had countless discussions about my beliefs. Most people are genuinely interested in learning more. Others are looking for an opportunity to engage me. But in my mind, its simple. I'm you. I'm the part of you I believe you would embrace if you knew more about the cruelties perpetuated upon billions of animals every minute of every day. I, too, grew up eating meat, going to the zoo, wearing leather shoes. I didn't question it. I didn't even know to question it. I didn't know. One day, I was walking past a demonstration outside a McDonald's and was handed a leaflet. It was impossible to ignore one glaring fact: Producing a single hamburger patty uses enough fossil fuel to drive a small car 20 miles and enough water for 17 showers. The skeptic in me questioned these statistics, but what my research found changed my life, and I believe that most compassionate people would alter their habits if they knew how significantly their choices affect animals.

We eat animals. We wear their skins. We force them to entertain us. We demand our mascaras and oven cleaners and pharmaceuticals be tested on them before we try them. But, do we give a thought to how that neatly wrapped, bloodless piece of flesh came to be in grocery-store styrofoam? Do we give our couches made from the skins of cows a second thought? Do we let ourselves be conveniently convinced by the profiteers at Ringling Bros. that elephants "enjoy" standing on their heads? No, no, yes.

What is an animal rights activist? It's someone used to being ridiculed, someone used to being told to get a job, get a life, someone whose every action and behavior is microscopically examined in hopes of finding hypocrisy. It's sitting at a family picnic, watching with sick sorrow as loved ones gnaw on hotdogs, hamburgers, and the actual ribs of a once-living pig. It's letting that pass without comment, so as not to make "waves." It's knowing my future child's school is going to go to the zoo on a field trip, and being powerless to take a stand against it, lest she bare the brunt of her teacher's annoyance. It's being asked not to wear my PETA T-shirt to the gym because it might offend "someone." Its suppressing ones every instinct to shout, beg, cry out against injustice. It's feeling the weight of the suffering of billions of animals, while few listen. It's also the absolute belief that as atrocities are exposed, as people open their eyes to the power their choices wield, that changes will be forthcoming.

I didnt change overnight. At first, I made easy adjustments in my daily life. I started checking labels on my personal care and household products and started buying only the ones that said cruelty-free or not tested on animals. I was surprised and delighted to find almost unlimited choices. I began ordering olives and onions on my pizza instead of pepperoni. Once I thought to look, I found loads of delicious meat analogs right at my regular grocery store. I spent a few minutes online and downloaded dozens of new recipes. None of these adjustments felt particularly dramatic or as if I was sacrificing anything. As an added bonus, I dropped a few pounds!

The easy choices are right there in front of you, too. Eschewing fur is already a given. Choosing man-made materials over leather is the next simple step. Pasta marinara instead of meatballs. A cruelty-free brand of shampoo instead of one dripped into the eyes of an immobilized rabbit. A trip to the museum instead of a zoo. The alternatives are there. Right in front of you. You don't have to do without. Why not make the choices that cause the least harm?

We are you. We are animal rights activists.

~Randi Fair

i want to be a skinny bitch!

2007-09-20T21:19:00.000-07:00

so i started reading this book. its really super good. i love it and it has some really interesting stuff in it. it talks about how sugar and high fructose corn syrup are the devil and how good chemical free organic produce is the way to go. i went to the grocery the other day and stocked up on some yummy apples, pears, grape tomatoes, celery, cucumbers, red and yellow peppers and romain lettuce. i also found some really great whole grain bread that had flax, which is really important for a vegan diet. i have been good the last three days and im feeling pretty good. i might hit the gym this weekend. i have alot of packaing and getting ready to move stuff to do though so we will see how much time i really have. so much to prepare for! i love that my new place is in a really safe neighborhood (its pretty upscale) so that my dogs and i can get some quality walks in. i miss feeling safe here, and walking for hours on the weekends with them, and i'm sure they miss it too. the only thing about the new neighborhood is that i dont have much in the way of a yard. here i can just let them out into the yard and its no big deal, there im on a street with a small yard but its not really enclosed.

clothes. i love them, and i now officially have my very first size 12 jeans. they fit for the most part, they are just a hair too snug at the waist. they fit my legs though. i cnt really wear them out yet, because im afraid i have a little muffin top in them and that makes me feel gross, but i can button and zip them, and thats really what counts.

this is it

2007-09-15T09:01:00.000-07:00

this is my last lazy weekend. i have packing to do because we are moving on the 29th, but other then that i am taking it easy. starting monday i am back in the groove. my shoulder is getting better with every passing day, and if i wait for the hematoma on my right shin to stop hurting, i think i might be waiting forever. to tell you the truth, im kind of tired of being hurt. so, its time to get back out there and get moving. i feel alot better when im moving.

im reading a new book that is giving me alot of fresh perspective. i think it would help all of you to read it as well. its called "skinny bitch." its a tough love no nonsense girls guide to a healthier body. it talks alot about not being stupid and opening your eyes about what you put in your body. since most of you know that this is where most of my problems lie, i am going to lay it out for you. i am going to start journaling my food again. i am going to not just write down what i eat, but also how they make me feel. i am going to get rid of one bad habit a week. first one to go is high fructose corn syrup. it really is the devil. i want to start consuming more whole fresh veggies and nuts and fruit and less processed foods. i also would like to move into eating more raw foods. oh and organic too. but the sugar has got to go! i was just looking in my pantry to see what had sugar in it and what didnt and i swear to you i was so surprized by what i saw! triscuits...have sugar. gross! its the devil i tell you! so, out with sugar and in with raw organic.
i was also wishing i had mark on board with me. he is a big boy but doesnt seem to want to do anything about it. i think im going to try to see if i can convince him to help me out by making me run. if he would just go with me, we could both benifit. more on that later.

today is a new day!

2007-09-04T19:58:00.000-07:00

todays calories 1538
no weigh in

i started back to the old routine and i have decided that it would be a good idea to start logging my food again on sparkpeople. it really works for me. i also need to blog again so i am blogging. i got some bad news today. my workout partner wont beable to work out with me for a while. she took a second job and plays roller derby so she wont have much time for the gym. when she does go it will be at odd times. this really sux for me because i feel like i do alot better when i have to lead and be accountable to someone else. hopefully she will find some time for me. i put an add on craigs list looking for a workout partner and i got a few hits but no real takers. anyone know anyone who lives in norfolk? no? are you sure?

okay, so here is the question i want to pose to the group today. do you ever get embarrased of your gut while you sit at your desk at work so you sit up real tall and suck it in whenever someone comes into your office? do you think you really look thinner when you do that? just curious. i just want to know if anyone else does the silly things i do.

im really looking forward to being able to work out next week!

end of vacation.

2007-09-03T16:12:00.000-07:00

its been six glorious wonderful days and im sad to see it over. i have overloaded on tv and sleep and i am now ready for work in the morning.

i have treated food as a non issue all week, so tomorrow i start logging again. everyone needs a break now and then right?

i have another week of rest before i start working out again, and to tell you the truth, i really miss it. i think it would really hurt the hematomatoes on my legs to run right yet, as i can feel every step when walking and my shoulder sux, but its getting better. hopefully by next week i'll be good as new, and so will my scooter!

healing time

2007-08-26T06:20:00.000-07:00

its been a few days since my accident and guess what? my car window got smashed and broken into! the good thing is, bad stuff comes in three's, so stick a fork in me, im done. today is laundry day and life resumes it's normal pace. i cant work out for another week, every step hurts still and the bruise on my thigh is amazing. it looks as if blood is trying to seep through my skin. not to mention its HUGE! it feels like a bubble of tender skin bouncing when i walk, especially first thing in the morning. also im a right side sleeper, and thats a no go, so i havent been sleeping that well. mark has been an angel though and i am grateful for his tenderness.

i actually cant wait until i can work out again. i want to do more HIIT with my workout buddy, its fun that i get to keep time and shout out the next stuff we are going to do.

today is roller derby bout day, and im super excited. i cant decide what to wear though. i kind of want to wear a skirt so i can show off my bruises (derby bitches live to talk about road rash and hematomas.) but i have these cute little denim capri's and a stripey black and white shirt and some ballet style shoes with little skulls on them that would totally go with the rock a billy theme ever present at the derby functions. hmmmm. guess i'll know more after i finish laundry and take a shower.

oh and thanks for all your kind words. i hope to be blogging more now that all the crazy summer stuff is over.

all i can say is ow.

2007-08-22T14:57:00.000-07:00

its been a while from my last post. i know its not good to not write, my therapist would be dissapointed, but i have had alot going on lately and writing just wasnt a priority. i really didnt have anything to blog about either so me, it was not a biggie. until last night that is. mom, please dont get mad at me for not calling you and telling you, but i have no phone and i really just need to get it all out.

last night coming home from a great hiit session at the gym, i was riding home on my scooter in the rain and i got hit by a car. i was crossing an intersection when a speeding car came out of nowhere and hit me. im okay, bike is totaled. cry cry cry. i had no idea how sore i would be today so i'm glad that i opted to stay home from work. i have a little road rash on my left shin with a bruise, a giant swelling bruise on my right shin and calf, a HUGE bruise on the outside of my right thigh, another HUGE bruise on my right hip towards my butt, and my shoulder is really sore and my back is a little sore. other then that, im fine. i loved my bike though, and its gone. i wont know if its repairable until tomorrow when i drop it off at the shop. mark and i agreed that if it wasnt repairable we would buy another one. next time i wont ride in the rain. oh and the guy who hit me, wouldnt give me anything but his name and phone number, which was probably fake but the ink washed off the paper in the rain anyways, so we will never know. i know i know, i should have called the police, but let me tell you, i was in such shock that it actually happend, that i wasnt even paying close enough attention to anything but my poor mishapen pig scooter. i dont even know if i looked up at him or his friend, i just was so angry about my bikeand i was in such shock that i screwed up, so please, no lectures, i got enough of that from mark when i got home. sheesh you would have thought he would have at least been concerned about whether or not i was okay! i know he didnt mean to be mean, but we are seriously broke and having to replace another vehicle this year is not what we need. also he has a weird way of handling things. instead of being scared for me, he just gets angry. like when we had to put our old dog down, i was a mess and instead of him holding me up and being sad and weepy himself, he just told me i was being overly dramatic. i know its just his way, and weeks later, when i was feeling better, he let go himself and had a good amount of greiving. after he was done being angry he held me until i fell asleep, which trust me, was no easy task. i cried through most of the night, and i am crying for the loss of my pink baby again as i type. oh and to top that off our car was towed out of the lot last night. great huh. my apartment complex neglected to tell anyone that they were going to require us to have decals on our cars. they swear they did, but there are only 4 apts in my hall and 3 out of the four has been towed in 2 days. the real bitch is that the office in which i obtain my parking decal is closed at 5, and i dont get home from work until 6. nice huh? i called and the manager was a super duper bitch to me and hung up on me, so i had to call the management company. she called me back and apologized and made excuses about why she was so rude. i am going to call the management company again and demand that they reimburse me for the towing, which was $105 by the way. talk about exorbitant. wonder how much of that is being kicked back to the landlord. im sure the towing is a response to the number of break in's we have had lately, but i want to say, that maybe fixing the streetlights and hiring a security guy would have been a better idea, instead of towing tenants cars out of the lot. jerks.

okay, enough of that, on to the diet stuff. im currently at 203. i am watching what i eat, but without as much vigor as i was in the past. i finally found a workout buddy who has agreed to meet with me 2 times a week for HIIT. this leaves me with 1 day core training, one legs and one whatever i feel like doing. i am getting back on the food thing. i have started using spark people again and hopefully will pass the 200 mark in two weeks. im hungry, but thats all part of it right?

baby stuff. well, my work is changing insurance companies as of sept 1st. my fertility treatments will no longer be covered. this doesnt mean that i cant get my meds, but it does mean that i cant take any further more evasive steps like IVF or even IUF. so, it looks like i might be destined to be barren forever. if any of you out there in blog land have any babies you really dont need, keep this girl in mind. wonder if mark would be down with getting an egg donor.

okay, well, i realy need to eat another handfull of flexoril and ibuprofen and go back to sleep. more later.

not knocked up

2007-08-05T18:29:00.000-07:00

well, the week of crazy is over and life can resume to normal again. im really looking forward to getting back in the gym. its been two slacking weeks because of other obligations and it feels like a million years since i have been there.

another thing. i dont know if you know this, but markie and i have been trying to conceive. we have been together 9 years and going strong, we are finally in a place financially where we could handle the extra responsibility and we are emotionally ready. i have been taking fertility drugs for about a year and i had yet to ovulate until last cycle. then i did, and it was great. then two weeks goes by and i have to test so if im not i can start the whole cycle over again. i take test 1 and it has two pink lines. one is lighter then the other but is definatly there, so i read the directions and sure enough, if there are two lines, its possitive. at that point i was trying not to get overly excited. i deciced that i would take another test in a couple of days. i took the first on monday, and the second on thursday. it was still two lines, but the second line was way way faint, i new it was negative. the next day i decided t better be safe then sorry and i went to the dr and had a blood test done. caled in for results and it was negative. i was bummed for a second, but then i realized that this was the closest i had been since, i mean i ovulated for crying out loud! guess maybe the 1st test was wishfull thinking. it doesnt help that my sister in law (who never really wanted kids) is pregnant now. so anyways, tom is here and another cycle of drugs to take is on its way. maybe thats also why i have been a little bitchy. oh well.

tomorrow after work i am going to go to the gym for a hiit session. it seems to work for me. although if i dont get to use one of the brecore machines i will probably end up just walking up hill as usual. the precores are the only one that dont hurt me to run on as they give, just a little. i also am planning on going into the man zone and doing some free weights. there are never any girls in there, but i dont care if they stare, because yes, i am freakishly stong for a fat girl, and yes i can do more reps then god, and yes i want to have my arms look like have been working on them for years. like angela bassett, only more feminine.

im still standning, yeah yeah yeah!

2007-07-25T14:22:00.000-07:00

i know its been a while since my last post. life can get a little crazy at time and now is no exception. i am still sticking to it, just so you know. just because i havent written doesnt mean i have fattened up, although it does sound tempting mostly because at this moment i happen to be starving. i didnt get much time at the gym last week, 2 days. the rest of the week was filled with the dreaded potluck monster! we had a departmental potluck for my bosses birthday on weds, then we had my summer staff party on thursday(catered) and then another potluck on friday in another department for a out of town staffers birthday. i actually managed to do quite good! i had the usual luna bar for breakfast, kept it down to resonable portions and one drink and then had salad for dinner. it was quite nice actually to not feel sick full after. besides, everyone in my office knows about my struggle and how hard i have worked to come this far, so to eat like a PIG in front of them is embarrassing. i did have a little soy frozen custard monday, but it had been so long since i had anything sweet that i felt i deserved it, and i didnt eat a whole pint either, so in that respect it was good. everything in moderation, right? after all that eating and no excersize i still managed to lose a lb. oddly enough. i wonder if the no excersize was the difference? i mean, i know that muscle weighs more then fat, so if your working out pretty religiously, then you would notice the weight loss in inches rather then lbs right? so anyways, i dont know how good i'll be this next week. my inlaws are coming in from ohio on saturday. i will be forced to eat salads every day, but i wont have much time to write. oh, the salads again is because im vegan and they will insist on going to a seafood place for dinner everynight, and oddly enough seafood joints usually are the only types of restaurants that dont have options for me, besides salads and french fries. fries are definatly a no no. i can usually find something else to eat at pretty much every other restaurant i go to.

oddly enough, not only have i not had time to write, i havent had time to read all of your blogs either! hows it going gang? are we gearing up for the end of tha challenge? any discussions on what the next challenge may be? let me know, im so down!

not so good

2007-07-16T20:15:00.000-07:00

okay, well, we all have our off days right? yesterday was mine. i ended up binging at about midnight. i had 2 quesodillas with sour cream. no, not the real thing, still vegan, but all the same. i woke up this morning with a belly ache and just a bad feeling. didnt sleep very well either. today however is another story all together. i accidentally skipped breakfast (wasnt hungry and by the time i was, it was lunch time.) had sushi rolls for lunch (mmm wassssabi!) and a 12 inch subway veggie delight for dinner. god i love subway!

friday i got another workout in at home that left me pretty sore. that makes 4 days last week. anyone have any ideas on how to motivate yourself to hit the gym on weekends? i was going to but i went to see harry potter and took alot of naps instead.

tonight i walked for 10 mins as a warm up with 1 of those minutes being a run. my legs were still alittle sore, so i decided to hit the weights. after that i got on the recumbant. i did 30 minutes on that, and now my legs are jelloey. is that a word? anyways, it was a decent workout and i feel better for doing it.

mark and i are preparing for his family to visit. we did some shopping tonight to get a few things to pretty up the house. we live pretty bare bones right now, seeing as we moved twice in the last 3 years, one of which was a cross country move. we are going to go thrifting for a newish couch on weds, and we got a slipcover for the old loveseat. we also got some fancy things to hang on the walls, and are concidering buying a new tv stand and desk. we wanted to get drapes for the living room too, but we didnt measure the windows before we left. it was fun to shop! so i guess that was my reward for being good today!

i am wearing some jeans that used to cut into me today, and i have spent the entire day trying to keep them from falling down. i can pull them down without unbuttoning. yay!

its a HIIT!

2007-07-11T19:45:00.000-07:00

so i did alittle reasearch and talked to a trainer about it tonight, and he said that if i wanted to try HIIT then i should. he said that i needed to warm up and stretch, so i did. he also warned me about stretching without a warm up first, apparently it causes tears and is a big bad. then he had my start my walk at 3.5mph, which was really fast for me to walk, but i managed. he said i needed to work hard enough that i could talk, but not carry on a conversation. i did that for 15 minutes and then he had me crank up the treadmill as fast as i could stand it for 30 seconds. then we went back down to 3.5 for 1 minute, and back up again. btw, i run full out at 5.4mph, which isnt really that fast, but hey, im trying.) i did 6 sprints and then he set it back down to 3.5 and i walked it out for another 15 minutes. the second 15 was torturous. my muscles in my calves really really hurt. it took all i had to finish, but i did it. and i plan on doing it again tomorrow. im on a roll now and i'm afraid to stop!

i ate well today. i started with a luna bar, then i had veggie fajitas with olives and tofutti sour supreme for lunch. i had a small (tiny 1/2 cup) bowl of chili with some soy cheese on it and a veggie burger for dinner. 1382 cals. not bad if i do say so myself. to be honest, i am more dissapointed when i dont get enough calories, which happens more then you think. i am glad that i got over 1200 today. tomorrow i hope to be a little closer to 1200 then yesterday but as long as i stay under 1500 im happy.

i was reading in someones blog this afternoon about sabotaging their good hard work with food ( was this you rob?) it was just one more thing that i was talking to my therapist about. i was telling her that i read an article in fitness magazine that was asking readers how they reward themselves for eating healthy, and you know what? they all responded along the lines of "i reward myself for eating well, by eating like crap!" i think this is an awful evil thing to do to yourself. so, lets make another goal for this half over month of july. lets not reward good behavior with food. instead lets treat ourselves to a movie, or a new haircut, or those cute shoes youve been eyeing. lets not reward good eating with bad, because its just stupid. its like thinking that its okay to drink a diet soda with a candy bar because they negate each other. its like energy offset credits. its just plain dumb and not very helpful.

i have been good all week, so im going to see harry potter on saturday, how about you?

A is for Angiemonster

2007-07-10T20:42:00.000-07:00

day two of my runners fantasy saw me (yeah me, cool huh?) running 2 to 1 intervals for 4 minutes. i started with 2.0 for 2 minutes, then 3.0 for one minute. then i moved up to 5.0 for one minute and back down to 3 for two. you can see how the pattern goes. yesterday when i ran for 6 minutes, i nearly killed myself. i think this might be a better way to work up to a real run. as long as i can get to the gym 4-5 days a week i think i might be able to move to a 1 to 1 interval in a few weeks. slow and steady wins the race, right? watch it corey, im hot on your trail, and maybe by next summer you might have to start giving me swimming lessons (of course the hour of the day must be negotiable!)

i had a decent lunch and a good dinner. i missed breakfast because i got busy this morning and was running late for work. i will be more careful tomorrow.

speaking of tomorrow, i think i might get up a bit early and tray my hand at push ups and squats first thing. i hear that geting your heart rate up first thing is a way to jumpstart your metabolism. who knows, but it cant hurt right?

i had a meeting with my therapist today. she thinks that the excersize is really helping me, and i know it is. i dont know how much longer i will need her support, but it has been helpful. truth is, its been an eye opening experience. in the last few month i have accomplished more then i ever thought possible. i have learned to get what i want by working hard for it. i have learned that life isnt a series of moments, but the moments themselves. i have learned that the only person holding me back from the life that i want is ME.

it isnt the crap i grew up with, or my mom, or dad, or their divorce, or my family or my fatness. it isnt my husband, or my past relationshits (not a typo.) it isnt even the yelling and screaming and crying and hating that i learned from all of it.

its my own fear. my own inability to trust in myself. my own stupidity.

well, its over now. im through with all of it. this is MY LIFE, and i want to be the one in the driver seat from now on. i want my life to be mine, and not what others choose to define it. i want to have all the things that i desire and most of all i want to be the one who deserves to get all the things that i want.

Just like Forrest Gump

2007-07-09T19:16:00.000-07:00

i got on. i hit the quick start button and the track started to move. bob marley for the warm up. i was so tired to start, very little sleep last night. i closed my eyes and tried to picture the jamaican coastline and listen close to bob asking me "could you be love." i check the timer on the treadmill, push the 2 mph button and speed up. it doesnt match the pace, but i am still moving at a rather relaxed pace. i dont want to be here. i want to be home. mark said if i went to the gym he would do laundry, strange what motivates me. the song is over and i check my pulse...112, good enough for a warm up. 3 minutes gone. i hit the 3 mph buton and begin to work a bit harder. one minute goes by and i hit the 3% incline button. i am starting to sweat now. two more minutes pass and i start to feel like i am not working as hard as i should. a girl bigger then me gets on the treadmill next to me and starts moving at my pace. i sead up my treadmill to 3.4 mph. all of a sudden i wonder what it would be like to run here. i hit the button on the 8 minute mark and move up to 4mph, a light jog. my heart starts pounding in my chest and my calf on my left leg starts to burn. i run for 1 minute. turn back down to 3 mph and watch my heart rate drop from 145 back to 129 in two minutes. get another wild hare and crank it up to 4.3 mph for one minute. it actually feels good. it hurts a bit but in a good way. hr back up to 150 and back down to 129. i hit the button again to go 4.6mph. now i feel like im really moving. i hold that speed for 2 minutes, pushing the whole last minute farther then i thought i could go. back down to 3 mph. rest heart to 129 and hit the button again. this time im determined to do this for a longer time, a more substantial run. 5 mph, 3% incline and fergie telling me that she's fergalicious because she is up in the gym just working on her fitness. 6 minutes. 6 grueling, horrible, hatefilled, wonderfull, blissfull minutes. i challenged myself and i did it. my first run. ever. i never really understood why people run, why they work that hard, as i stepped off the treadmill i finally got it. i was in a rush. it took everything i had to not breakdown and cry right there. my heart was pounding, even after the cool down, my face and arms and back and neck and legs, coated, dripping with sweat. with every puff of air i was holding back tears. one of the trainers came over and said to me "i saw that." he looked like he was going to high five me, but instead he gave this really sweaty smelly girl a serious hug. good job, way to go, he whispered in my ear. he has been watching me for months now, offering advice here and there. i didnt know he was watching and now i couldnt hold back. tears streaming down my face, the same 3 people i see at the gym were actually clapping for me! the trainer, and one of the other trainers and 3 guys who i see all the time, were clapping, for me.

i cant remember a time when it felt so good to work so hard. i almost didnt want to go tanning (almost) because i wanted to rush home and tell mark what i had done. when i did get home, i cried again. oh and i had to stand in the locker room for a while and feel the high. i actually cant wait to do it again tomorrow.

back in the saddle!

2007-07-05T19:37:00.000-07:00

today was a good day, and i feel great! i went to the gym after work today and walked for 40 minutes. i didnt push myself up a big hill, but i think that i lose more if i do a steady climb. im not sure. we'll see if it makes a difference. so my target heartrate is 120 for fat loss, does that mean i lose more fat if i use 142 as my target heartrate?

today as far as food went was alright. i think yesterday was bad because i got only liquid calories. i had a chickette sammie for breakfast, and like 6 peices of sushi for lunch and another chickette sammie for dinner. i mean, i was at a bbq all day and i did only drink coors light. is that bad? i mean i know its not good, but i also know i didnt go over on calories. i also know that i could have had my calories from a more nutritious source, but it was a party, and i was partying!

peacefull warrior

2007-07-03T20:26:00.000-07:00

i watched the movie tonight and let me tell you, it was really really good. inpiring. i remember reading the book and remembering how important it was. i wasnt to go through a journey like dan did. one that completly made over my life and my head. maybe thats what is happening to me. its the weirdest thing though, im so happy all the time!

mark and i were supposed to be going to a baseball game tonight with our friends and so i didnt get to get to the gym and its closed tomorrow, so i guess i will have to make up for it thursday. also i can do some stuff at home tomorrow, maybe a video or something in the morning.

i really like chai spice tea with nothing in it.

one more thing...

2007-07-02T21:41:00.000-07:00

i love this poster...

Shot at 2007-07-02

it wasnt what i expected.

2007-07-02T20:49:00.000-07:00

i went to curves today after work and it wasn't what i expected. 1st of all the girl seemed to no absolutely nothing about nutrition or exercise. she was a little ditsy and didn't even know the pricing for membership, which i thought was odd because she was the only employee present. next are the hours of operation. they are open from 9-1 and again from 3-7pm. closed Sunday, open from 9-12 on Saturday. doesn't leave me a lot of time. my current gym is open from 6am to 8:15pm. next, there is no locker facility. this means that if i do decided to go to curves, i would have to go home for a shower before i can go tanning. this kind of messes up my flow. the only thing they have is a single corner stall with a curtain on it for changing clothes. this is also bad for me because in order to make it there after work before closing, i would have to come straight from work, which means i would have to change either at work or behind something that doesn't even qualify as a dressing room in a store. i asked her about the circuit. she told me that you make two rotations and then your done. i wonder how fast i would get bored with doing the same things over and over again, and how can you make it more challenging over time. all in all, i guess i like the concept of it being all women, but i am not thrilled with the prospect of using it as my gym. oh, and also the girl said that doing more then two rotations is prohibited. weird huh? i guess they don't want you taking up more space then just 30 minutes. on top of that, i was not allowed or encouraged to do the workout today. i thought that was awfully strange. you would think she would have wanted me to complete the circuit today and see how it feels. but nope, she said i couldn't start until tomorrow. so...that's twice now i have been there and told to come back another day. i feel bad, because to tell you the truth, i could have given that coupon to one of my friends who doesn't already have a gym membership to use, because it isn't very likely that i will return.

i did however get to MY gym tonight. i did a small amount of upper body weights (curls, and shoulder presses) but i am still a little sore, so i thought i would take it easy. i used the back extension machine until i couldn't push any more weight. then i got on the treadmill (good ol #6 was out of order, so i went #2 instead) i did 45 minutes of 6% incline at 3.2 miles per hour. i burned 475 calories according to the machine. i was really proud of myself. going over that 30 minute bridge is really hard for me. i am still in the mindset that i cant do more then 30 minutes. its just another hurdle i guess.

lets talk food! i Had the typical Luna bar breakfast, along with my many fertility pills. i had a veggie burger on a bun with ketchup, boiled carrots and sweet peas for lunch. i had a cup of pasta with hunts spaghetti sauce with mushrooms and boca crumbles added to it, sugar snap peas and broccoli for dinner. that's a grand total of 1124 calories today. yay! now if i can only keep it up. oh and that's another thing i didn't like about curves, they make you weigh in with your shoes on. i was fully clothed, in the middle of the afternoon, and i had to pee really bad! she could have taken mercy on me and at least let me go pee before weighing in!

tomorrow i plan on going to the gym after work to do more cardio, and if i have time before the baseball game (go tides!) then i will hit the weights again too. my plan is to do cardio Mon thru Friday at least 30 minutes, and weight on Tues and weds. this weds however, if i get a workout in then it will have to be early in the morning at hopes gym, because mine is closed and i have a BBQ to go to that day. no worries though, all my friends are vegan, so the food wont be nearly as fatty!

oh, and one more thing. i have an appointment with my therapist on the 10Th and i think it might be my final one for a while. i really like her and i really like what i have accomplished by seeing her. i think i am finally getting the hang of self love instead of self loath. i just don't feel like i need her as much as i did. it was her that told em to start writing again and putting all i have to say down, not only for myself but for others as well. it makes me feel like a whole person. wow, i write long blogs!

oh, measurements!!!:

please dont be judgemental about the way i am shaped.

bust= 45.5
waist= 41.00
abdomen= 44.25
hips= 48
thighs= 28.5
arms= 15
weight fully clothed 210

that puts me at a BMI of 43.2, damn i'm fat!!!

Quote of the month

2007-07-01T20:52:00.001-07:00

or maybe week. i am adding it to the bottom of my page and will update it periodically. keep your eye out!

i am batman

2007-07-01T20:08:00.001-07:00

so my friend came over today to hang out and eat dinner. she is a super cool girl who i enjoy spending time with. its nice to have company once in a while, and mark really enjoys getting to try his hand on a new creation with someone other then me around to test it on. tonights masterpeice was a veggieburger made with spices and oats on a french baguette with grilled portobella mushroom. it was awsome. pair that up with grilled corn on the cob, we have not only a gourmet feast, but a healthfull one too! i havent added up the calories for it yet, but since it is all homemade and made of all healthy ingredients, it cant be all that bad. it might have been a little too big of a portion, but what the hell, its sunday!

i woke up this morning with every intention of going to the gym and at least doing cardio, but not only was i too tired, but my body is pretty sore from the previous two days. i know sore is good, but let me tell you, it really hampers my work out schedule. i did go tanning today and mark and i had subway. i had the veggie delight and markie had the tuna.

oh, good news!!! mark is eating all the meat he has in the fridge without buying more and then going to try being vegan for 1 week! i know he can do longer but i think he has a manly mental block to it and if he does it for a week and he sees how easy it is, i think it will actually stick! OMG how great would it be for me to have a vegan husband? i finally think that if he does like he says and it sticks, he would actually join my world. it would be so great to have a partner with the same ideals. i really want it to be that way. i want him to go veg!

for those of you who are reading this blog who arent veg or into animal rights at all, or who dont know what vegan is, i will explain it to you, but only this once, because i dont want this blog to feel like a preachy thing. i just want to give you the info and get out, let you make your own decision. first off being vegan to me, means living a life of compassion. millions of animals are exploited and slaughtered needlessly in this country every day. chickens and cows and pigs outnumber the population of the humans in our country and they are all used for food. there are many laws to protect these animals (except for chickens as there are no humane laws on the books to protect them) but no one to uphold these laws. dont beleive me? go ahead and see for yourself. www.meetyourmeat.com its about 14 minutes long, but after you see it, you know that the only way to stop it is to boycott it. thats what i do. thats what about 10% of the countries population is doing, and the animals desperatly need your help. please, watch the video, research it. get informed. go veg.

if by any chance you want more information, please let me know and i would be happy to talk to you about it at legnth. as for now and for this blog, this is the last i mention why you shouldnt eat animals.

so, anyways, i didnt go to the gym, and i splurged on portion size. okay, but tomorrow, its on! i figured out that if i restrict myself too much then i will only binge, better to let it all even out, right? im not on a diet after all, im trying to change my life.

night!

i am on fire!

2007-06-30T20:52:00.000-07:00

now, this is impressive. i actually made it through the baseball game without making a oink of myself! 1 had 1 light beer, and i split a bag o'peanuts with the man. they were shells on, so even though i ate allot, i dint, it was just a lot of work! my friends were eating veggie dogs, veggie burgers, and lots and lots of french fries. i was so good! i even passed a cup of fries from one person to another and back again. i dint have a single one. OMFG! what was that? why did that happen? have i changed? am i trying harder? have i finally decided that i have to do whatever it takes to be in control of my own body??? i don't know man, i really don't know.

yes i do. i found it. i found my motivation. it was hiding under the money this whole time? yeah, that's right, money. i am going to pay my greedy little self to lose weight. i am going to sock away every penny i get my hands on until i get to my goal, and then i am going to throw myself the best party or take myself someplace nice. some people say that their health motivates them, or that the dating pool, or the longevity, but for me, its all about that $$$.

is it a little devious or maybe not ethical? hmmm, who gives a crap as long as i am fat i am miserable! if i don't do this now and really really do it, then i never will and i have to use every part of myself and every motivation i have to get through it. the better i do, the faster it comes.

oh, and thank you, all of you. every person who has left a note of encouragement on my blog. thank you. some people don't do good with criticism. i am one of them. what i need is encouragement and someone to identify with. this is it. this is how. um, im a bit excited right now. excited enough to tell you all about my favorie website. www.postsecret.blogspot.com.

enjoy!

ow ow ow

2007-06-30T14:08:00.000-07:00

okay, so today i woke up to 207. whoa, guess that workout really helped. Hope said that you have to be a little sore in order to gain muscle, you need little tears in the tissue to grow more, that said, i am tore up!

todays agenda:
i woke up at about 9:30 and did a few things around the house, by 11 i was out the door. i went to the gym and when i got there i was like...why dont i go to curves today! do i started my bike up and headed into ghent. i got to curves and went inside. i showed the lady my 2 week free coupon and she said that it was all nice and dandy but they were closing in 10 minutes so i will have to come back on monday. they arent open at all on sunday. i really need my gym to be open all the time and not just part of the time, because honestly when the mood hits me, i need to move fast before it passes. so, i headed back tot he good ol rec center. i started with 10 minutes on the tread, 3.0 mph just for a warm up. then i grabbed a stability ball and rolled it into the free weights room. i grabbed some 10 lb dumbells and headed into a series of arm killing moves. i started with chest presses, moved into fly's, then took on nose breakers and then did one nose breaker weaght bare ( where you hold your arms at a 90 degree angle and your elbows are pointing at the ceiling, you just hold it there until you cant anymore.) i did 3 seets of this cycle. then i moved back into the machines. i did back extentions, seated rows, shoulder press, tricept push and bicep curls. after that i waited 15 minutes for the treadmill of my dreams. this one i the new precore machine. it rocks my sox. it has a weight loss program on it that kills me and i love it. i do a 30 minute program of hills. it goes from a 0 incline to a 4 then to a 6 and then to a 9 and back down again. then it has a hill that goes from a 0 to a 6 then a 9 then a 6 and then a 9 and then a 0. talk about a sweaty mess! all in all, just my walk i burned 300 calories, not counting my warm up 10 mins. now im sore. i wasnt when i started but i think pushing myself last night and again this morning beat me up. its good. i am not goping to do weights tomorrow, but i am definatly going to the treadmill. i wont feel good if i do.

as far as food goes, i started my day with a luna as usuall. i took all my wonderful baby making drugs (dr started me on deximethizone yesterday, hello steroid hell) and headed out. i went to wal-mart to refill my luna locker, and then headed home before the binge monster readed it head. once home i had 1 cup whole wheat rotini pasta with 2 oz of follow your heart vegan cheese, and 2 tomato sammies with veganaise. i also ate about 2 tablespoons of squidgy salad to take the edge off while i wated for water to boil. oh, squidgy salad is this wonderful seaweed salad with sesame oil and some other non descript but yummy flavorings. its also very very good for you!

i am going to a baseball game tonight (aaa league minors with a beatlemania theme) so i plan on having a luna for dinner before we leave and a veggie dog once i am there (160 calories.)

as for right this very minute, i think i need a nap. so....later!

wow, i am really amazing!

2007-06-29T19:52:00.000-07:00

okay, instead of going to curves and starting my two week trial period there i was invited by my friend Hope, who is in incredible shape, to come to her gym to work out. we did so much i swear i am going to be really sore tomorrow. sorness or not though, i will at least get my cardio in tomorrow. now for some good news.....dun dun dunah! 208 baby! yeah, thats right, you heard it. i am now at the smallest i have been in 6 years. next week, 206, the week after 204, and then two weeks after that, 200! it only gets better from here!

here's what i have learned as my own truths in the last few weeks:
1. my eyes are bigger then my stomach and i force more food down then what will actually satisfy my hunger, then i feel sick.
2. if i starve myself all day, then i binge at night. better to mix it up and actually have real food then to be so hungry by the end of the day that i have to have a 1000 calorie bonanza.
3. backsliding is the easy thing to do. no more saying, i have been so good, i think i can relax for a few days and be fine. its not the truth, the truth is if i relax, i relapse, i gain and then i beat myself up again. its not a cycle i want to continue, so no relaxing about it.
4. working out with a friend is much more fun and less tedious then alone. i talked the whole walk tonight with Hope, she was on the treadmill in front of me and was walking backwards the whole time.
and 5. i am not hopeless, i am hopefull, and i try because some part of me knows deep inside that i can do it. i can lose weight and be healthy, i can be an inspiration for others to do the same thing, and i can set an example for Mark.

food: luna for breakfast; veggie burger with ketchup and relish, and greenbeans for lunch; greenbeans, veggie burger, a little shell pasta (1/2 serving) with a little spaghetti sauce. i did eat some peanut chews, 5 sour skittle (vegan imports from hong kong in case your wondering) and about 10 vegan marshmellows (not good i know, but i had a battle with a sweet tooth and i was under calories.) so all that for a grand total of 1088 calories! jeez im good!

work out: all reps are till exhaustion, or i cant do another without losing form) inclined chest presses, nose breakers, crunches on stability ball with 8 lb medicine. balance board squats; wall squats with 20lb bar weight; chest press, flys and nose breakers on the stability ball with 10lb weights and keeping hips up. rolling flys on stability ball with 10 lb weights; calf raises. referse fly on stability ball, reverse chest press on stability ball. then i walked at 3.5 (faster then before) at a 6 % incline for 40 minutes. all in all i was active for a total of 3 hours. not bad if i do say so myself!

okay so after all that, i am very very sleepy. g'night!

sore feet

2007-06-28T19:28:00.000-07:00

tomorrow is weigh in day. i started this week at 210.5. i am also going to measure everything. actually instead of going to the gym like normal, i am going to go to Curves. i have a two week free pass from there that i should use. i guess that they do all the weighing and measuring there.

today, 1011 calories. up a bit from yesterday, dont want to slow that metabolism down by starving. i restarted the metformin today ( i was taking a drug sabaticle for the last two weeks.) that ought to boost the weight loss. i had subway for dinner, it was delicious. 265 calories for a 6 inch veggie delight. i had a footlong as my whole meal. i'm stuffed.

tonight i walked for 34 minutes. i was sweating my head off. it was way to hot in my gym. i used the new machine. its a fancy dancy treadmill with all the bells and whistles. i walked up interval hills using its weight loss program. my hr was in the zone at 136-151 for 29.5 minutes. i hope it works because i really wanna make my goal this week.

tonight i am working on my ipod workout playlist. i downloaded a tool that helps analyze my library for BPM, so that i can customize a play list where the beat matches my pace. it really helps me get up that hill. right now i can do an entire workout to gwen stefani. i do like some lady soveriegn and fergie too. sad part is i really dont care for pop music too much, but it really helps listening to something danceable. i tried listening to flyleaf and the misfits but it didnt really work. maybe its because i want a dancers body. hmmm.

oh, about the sore feet...it is definatly time to get a new pair of sneakers.

oh so good!

2007-06-27T20:20:00.000-07:00

okay. today maybe not so nutritionaly sound. i mean i stayed under my calories by alot, but that isnt a good thing. i dont think i ate enough. i had my daily dose of fiber for breakfast. i completely intended to have more then metamucil, but after being sick for a few days, and not only being afraid to eat, but being behind in my work, i really didnt get anything else. i had a luna bar and a gel snack pack for lunch (short on calories, high on nutrition.) i had 3.5 chili tacos for dinner. it was like a can of bean chili with veggies and some boca put in a flour tortilla. all in all i ate 780 out of 1200 calories. not good, i know. tomorrow i will be better, i promise.

strange, a fat girl saying she will try to eat more calories tomorrow. dont here that one often! i just want to do it right. i want it to come off slow, so it stays off. i dont want to end up being one of those people who lose 100lbs overnight, and then pick it all back up just as fast. i am happy with 2-3lbs a week. i want to be healthy more then i want to be skinny! wow! now thats a break thru!

as far as excersize goes, i didnt push it too hard tonight. im still a bit sore from illness and a little fatiqued as well, so i thought i would take it easy. i walked on the treadmill for 35 minutes, 6% incline, 3.2 mph ( 18.7 minute mile.) i was reading in health magazine that there is supposed to be a website finding the perfect BPM for music to go along with your workout. anyone know what i am talking about? i really would love to find the perfect tunes for my walking. nothing helps me up the hill more then my music, and if it werent for my Ipod, i dont know if i could even stay on as long as i do! anywho, even if i didnt stay on longer then 35 mins, i did burn my required 300 calorie goal. i also was so sweaty i had to wipe my head off with a paper towel in the gym! i hate sweatty, and it was gross gross gross!

okay, well, as another thing that i am trying to be healthful about is sleep, and if i want to get up for work on time, i need to get my full night, so, good night!

im a sicky

2007-06-26T19:58:00.000-07:00

i have been sick since saturday. im actually feeling alot better right now after 3 days in bed. i wasnt able to eat much without it coming back up (unintentional bulimia.) i am back down to 210, and absolutly thrilled about it although i am not happy about how it came off. hopefully the achy yuckyness will be completely gone by tomorrow as i really want to drag my fat butt to the gym. and i miss riding my scooter. oh, and my friend lindsey is going to introduce me to a guy named pj chmiel who rode his scooter 10k miles cross country. isnt that awsome? sure wish i could do something like that, but i have responsibilities and a family to attend to. yeah okay, i know just mark isnt really a "family" per say, but he still needs my attention and i highly doubt he would ever be down for just selling everything in living on the road for a few months. it does sound fun though, doesnt it?

we are breaking up

2007-06-21T20:15:00.000-07:00

okay okay, dont freak out...no, im not getting a divorce, no, we are not gettiong seperated. Mark and i are fine, really. but, i am breaking up with this body. we are over, truely over. here's the story....

so, tomorrow after work i am going camping at the beach with say mmmm, twenty of my friends. so, its at the beach right? i dont have a bathing suit, well i do, but its a tad stretched out and yucky like. so what do i do after work today? i go to the gym of course, where i walk for an hour, i did one giant hill for 30 mins and then i did interval hills for 30 more (go me.) i mean after the gym. i go to wal-mart to buy a bathing suit. BAD IDEA. nothing is more depressing then trying on bathing suits. nothing. first of all, there is that whole reverse bad body imaging thing (where i feel skinny, but i get surprized by all my fat) and then there is the nekkedness (which i dont do well even in the comfort of my own home) and then there is the full legnth mirror. UGHHH! talk about motivational! i dont know if i can ever eat fried food again, which makes me sad, because i LOVE frenchfries. but damn if i wasnt on the verge of tears in that dressing room. and to tell you how much i love to torture myself, i tried on 10 different suits. the only one that had a small amount of potential i think was a maternity suit that was almost like a mini dress. it was really cute, it was pool blue and made of this texured material. it had a gold ring at the bust and i really wanted to fit in it. the bad part was that it is strapless. a girl with my breasticles CANNOT go strapless. there is just to much to hold up. it did have this wimpy little strap that you could hook up to make a halter, but it still wasnt enough to hold those puppies up. dammit! so needless to say, no bathing suit for me. i guess if i want to go in the water then i will have to wear shorts and a t-shirt or tank top. next summer i will be in a bathing suit though, which is why me and this fat saggy body have to split up.

plus side. veggie delight sammies from subway are 265 calories for a six inch with no condiments, and i heart them. i could eat them morning noon and night. me and jared go way back. he got skinny, now its my turn!

so, upon weighing myself this morning i have already dropped 2 of those lbs i regained. i drank about 3 gallons of water today which means i have to pee, again. i walked my booty off tonight at the gym and got some sound advice from one of the trainers. i am going to join a july challenge with my cousin. my mother is blogging too now and i love her for it. i miss her alot. i bought my first pair of shorts in about 3 years (i wear skirts on hot summer days.) they are cute, khaki and orange lightweight capri's. oddly enough they actually fit me like capris. because my legs are so short capri's usually fit me like floods. just above the ankle.

enough for today, i have to get to bed if im going to the gym in the morning. night!

bbq's are easier when your vegan

2007-06-20T20:28:00.000-07:00

so before i was bitching about hating potlucks. now i am praising bbq's. i did good today and i had a great dinner. dont mistake that i am still hungry, cuz i am, but dinner was both healthful and tasty!

i steed on a scale today. i hate being fat. i hate when i dont lose. i hate when i gain some back. i wonder why i would go through all the crap to lose 2 lbs and just gain it back by being an idiot the next week. blech.

okay, now that i got the self pity out of my system.

so, 2.13 mile walk in 40 minutes, 352 calories burned. 17 minute 39 second mile and 6% incline for most of the 40 minutes (all but 6 for the warm up and cooldown. i didnt count calories, but this is what i ate:

i skipped breakfast (bad)
veggie burger, plain broccoli, and unsweetened apply sauce cup thingy for lunch.
2 grilled portobellas, grilled zuccinni, grilled yellow squash, ginger and garlic green beans and some sweet peppers sauted in evoo. mmmm.
i had a luna bar snack after the gym to keep me from binging between the gym and the tanning bed or after the tanning bed.

not bad right? oh and i ate 1 muncho. just one. can you beleive it? i mean, c'mon, who does that? no one eats just one potato chip! except me apparently. i am a chip master all of a sudden!

that makes me think of just one more thing. i noticed something today. if i say no thanks, then its no thanks, but if i take one taste of something, its on, and the binge is there. i cant have a chip usually, without eating a whole bag. gross huh?

its 12am, do you know where your binger is?

2007-06-18T21:01:00.000-07:00

i am just seting myself up for a disaster and i know it. the binge monster has reared it ugly head again and i hate myself for it. tonight....sesame tofu. sounds good right? like maybe it might not be that bad? well, first, its FRIED tofu. next its covered in what is essentially a red sugar sauce. throw in a pint of rice and you have a 2000 calorie disaster. good news is, its over. and its through. i mean litterally. apparently when you havent had that much tofu in a while it can reek havok on your digestive system. on the plus side i did get to read my new vegetarian times while i was indisposed! yuck. so, that said, i think if i remember to write as often as possible i might beable to avoid the demon next time. i think it really helps me to put my thoughts and feelings out there. my shrink said i should keep a journal. this is a journal of sorts so, i think it will work. i know that the more time i spend on spark and the more time i take obsessing about my weight, the better i do. so its time to jump back in and this time, my eyes will be open and i will be heading in with both feet. wish me luck. better yet, wish me will power!

tomorrow i am walking. i will stay on until i cant go any further. i will. i will. will.
did you hear that arguement? its like i was hearing myself telling me to be realistic. i know i will say i want to stay on for an hour, but truth is i will probably only stay on for 30 mins. dammit! its self sabotage! why why why?!?!!?!? i am trying to be realistic and also set goals for myself, but honestly, i feel as if i am only setting myself up for failure. any words of advice from any of you weight watch sages about getting back on the horse so to speak?

what a week!

2007-06-17T13:02:00.000-07:00

its not good, but its not bad either. i made it to the gym 3 times this week. could have been better, but i was pretty busy with other stuff.
first i went to the dentist. markie and i both went together. i have one teensy cavity and i need a scaling (i should floss more!) mark on the other hand had 5 cavities, needs a scaling and has to have 2 teeth pulled. i dont think he is looking forward to any of it. i feel bad for him but he doesnt take very good care of his mouth and he hasnt been to the dentist since he was in the navy! so i have my scaling next tuesday, and markie has his the week after i think.

friday i had off from work (took a vacation day) and it was well worth it. i got to run some errands and i had an appointment with my therapist in the morning. i always feel better after talking with her. we are trying to come up with a 3 part plan to conquer some of my issues. one is the eating, one is the independence and the other is learning how to better communitcate with my spouse.

as far as the eating goes, i havent been good, but i havent been awful eaither. its really hard when you eat out alot, and i did eat out alot this weekend. marks friend Dan came into town friday with his wife, so we ate out friday night and saturday morning and afternoon. i treated myself to a mavie (waitress) this morning and picked up subway on the way there. i had half of a footlong veggie delight at the movie. i went to the gym and tanning and then i just now ate the other half. its not the best, but its not bad either. tomorrow i start a new week and a new goal.

this week, i am going to accomplish:
1 lose 3 lbs by saturday.
2 try listening better when mark is talking by repeating back to him what he is saying
3 get to the gym 4 times this week.
4 watching my omega 3 and b12 intake for the week. b12 being the big one, crankypants!

tomorrows breakfast will consist of a blueberry sunrise luna bar, lunch will be a veggie burger and veggies, and dinner i think i need a giant salad and maybe some hummus and celery. well see how that goes.

no im leaving you to play the sims. bye!

awful horrible

2007-06-07T20:23:00.000-07:00

pot luck days at work are the worst. not only is most of the food there really bad for me, but its really tasty too! so i count today as my free day. eat like a pig, dont go to the gym. i was going to go, but i felt like i was going to fall alseep, and i figure i deserve a break. but only 1 break, tomorrow, its back to the treadmill and counting calories. i think i ate so many calories that i shouldnt be allowed to eat tomorrow. one thing i've noticed though is that when i try really hard not to eat, thats when i am most at danger of binging.

okay so, lets get into this binge thing. first of all, i want all of you to know that binge disorder IS and eating disorder. it's exactly like bulimia and anorexia, except that you dont get the "reward" of being thin. i dont know when exactly i started this horrible behavior, but i can tell you that i was pretty young. hiding food and eating on the sly is something i have done for as long as i can remember. no, im not as bad as that girl in "girl interrupted" with the chicken carcass under her bed, but i did have a secret stash place where i would hide my ramen wrappers so mark couldnt find them. pathetic i know, but as with ALL eating disorders, shame and hiding plays a major role. i also used to eat in the car. taco bell, wendy's fries, you name it, i ate it. in the beginging of this journey, it was so bad that i would run for the border on my way to the gym. can you beleive that? i would eat (2) 7 layer burritos and drink a soda, then i would pump iron and walk on the treadmill for 15 minutes, thinking that no one would be the wiser. i guess i thought people where dumb. after a month of doing this at least 4 times a week, i realized that i wasnt fooling anyone, not even myself. i had actually gained 4 lbs instead of losing anything. i was 236, and barely squeezing into my size 16 jeans.

one thing i have learned about myself in the last few months is that i am stubborn. if i feel like a binge, i binge and i make excuses to myself about it. if i get it in my head that i dont want to binge today, then i wont. not that i dont want to binge, but i try really hard to drive on by, and if i tell myself no, then its no. so, what i have to do is learn to control the urge and stick to it when i say "i am not going to eat that crap today!"

well, today doesnt count, i did eat that crap today. yuck. the guilt and shame that follows a binge is the worst ever. it almost makes me angry enough to want to purge, but i HATE throwing up more then anything!

i have a new mid length goal for myself. i want to feel comfortable in the grocery store. i dont want to sweat in the checkout line. i dont want to cry in the parking lot (yes, i have done that several times.) so this sunday, i am going in armed. with a weeks menu list of ingredients in hand. i am going to get only the things on my list and i am going to hold up my head in line, so all the skinny people who think theyre better then me can watch this fat girl buy sensible, healthfull food for nourishment and not just pleasure. the joy is in me, not in my dinner!

so glad i did

2007-06-06T18:32:00.000-07:00

well, its 9:30. im so tired. i am not going to write a whole lot tonight, because im going to bed early.
i weighed myself at the gym, 209.2. not sure how accurate their scale is compared to mine, so im not going to count on it until the morning and i check with my scale. i had a good workout tonight. 37 minutes on the treadmil, 20min mile, 9% incline. i would have stayed on longer but someone signed on for my treadmill so i had to let them go on. hopefully tomorrow i will get a chance to get up to 45 minutes. so, i walked 1.7 miles, and burned 380 calories.

today i ate well. i had a luna for breakfast. i really need to stock up on them. regular veggie burger with lunch and some veggies. dinner i had a grilled portobella mushroom sammy and brussels, a little hummus and pita and some navy beans. i ate 1256 calories. i was checking my nutrition tracker and realized that i had been a little short on protein and B12. i added a teaspoon of nutritional yeast to the brussels, and the beans made up for the protein shortage. oddly enough, its not unusual for vegans to be low on vitamin D and B12, but protein isnt usually an issue. and i hadnt really been having any issues either. i just think that this week i have been trying to stay away from processed stuff and i dont eat enough legumes.

all in all. i feel fantastic. i feel stronger and i have more energy durring the day. i think that it can only get better from here.

eeellim inate the negative

2007-06-06T06:39:00.001-07:00

Now that I have my bad motor scooter, I LOVE going to work in the morning. I love the commute, I love the traffic and I love the road. That said, I am going to move on to another subject.

Weight loss: 211 lbs holding steady!!! Go me!

I haven’t done my waist and hip and neck measurements, I'm waiting for next Sunday for that. I was tempted to have ramen last night, but after calculating the cost, I decided to go with half an ear of corn, cooked carrots and peas instead. Wasn’t an easy decision, but it got me through to this morning. So I stayed hovering around 1200 calories yesterday.

As far as workouts go, my gym was packed last night. I got there at 6 and had to wait to get on any machines. I tried the elliptical, but it was still too hard for me, and the one I was on wouldn’t show me my calories burned, so I was only on it for 5 minutes. I tried out the Stairmaster. Needless to say that was really too difficult for me too. Not only was it hard, it was hurting my knee. I went back over to the treadmill and signed up and waited. So, to recap: 5 mins on the elliptical, 5 more on the Stairmaster and 20 on the treadmill (20 minute mile, 9% incline) for a grand total of 30 minutes cardio, 340 calories burned!

I would have done more, but I had an appt with my therapist at 7:45 and I was running out of time. At my appointment we discussed my improvements and my hard work. She said that I seem to be two very distinct sides of a coin. On one side I am strong and determined to achieve success, and on the other hand I have a lot of self doubt and negativity. She said that I need to work on letting my lioness out, and letting my sniveling pushover fall away. So, that’s what I am going to do. I am going to stop whining about the things I think I can’t do and I am going to at least attempt to try them.

I know where all this stems from and I hope I can get through it. I need to give people a reason to stop putting me down or giving me negatives. Just so you know, I need encouragement and a lot of “great job’s” not “hmmm, your going about this the wrong ways.” Know what I mean? It’s not that criticism is bad all the time, but when I am vulnerable I tend to take it very personally and it hurts me. So please, try your hardest to say nice things, because if you can’t say something nice, then its best to say nothing at all. Right?

crankypants

2007-06-05T06:45:00.000-07:00

Good morning! I just wanted to stop in real fast and say 211!!! Yay! Not sure if it’s permanent or not, but I hope it is. Official weigh in day is Monday morning. We’ll see I guess.
I’m feeling a bit tired and cranky today. I had a bagel with hummus for breakfast and now its time to take the Clomid before I forget. It tastes really bad so I have a hard time getting them down. I am getting used to my daily fertility regime. The pills are getting easier and easier to remember to take. But really, what’s bothering me today is that I am tired, crazy tired and I have a long day ahead of me. I just want to go to sleep. I know that the cranky comes from the pills. Its like PMS, you just don’t have any control over your emotions.

i gotta case of the mondays.

2007-06-04T18:23:00.001-07:00

got up bright and shiney this morning, i was dreaming something about mark (i wont get into it, my mother reads this) and i remembered that i had to scoot to work so i had to leave early. out the door and on the road for a great morning ride. i love that scooter, i really do. she is my new bff. im smitten, what can i say.
got to work and remembered that i had taken on some new responisibilities. frankly they scare the hell out of me, but i am smart and i pick up fast, so i think after doing it for a few more weeks i shouldnt have to spend all day doing the bills like today. i am a problem solver, its what i'm good at, so i think this will be a welcome new change.

after work i scooted to the gym, where i walked uphill at a 6% grade for 30 minutes at 3mph. thats a 20 minute mile, which isnt fast, but uphill makes it a workout. i LOVE walking uphill. its such a challenge. i burned 258 calories today. not bad! i am making myself walk a bit faster tomorrow. i want a 300 calorie burn, and as long as there isnt anyone waiting for my treadmill (which there often is) i will walk until i burn it.

i went tanning after that. i know its not the best for me, but i dont care. being tan makes me feel sexy. always has. besides, anything in moderation is fine. i only tan for 10 minutes in a 20 minute bed, i use a triple bronzer so i get dark fast. did you know that a majority of americans are vitamin d defecient? get some sun people!

as far as food is concerned, i did very good today. i had a nutritious breakfast, lots of water a sensible lunch and dinner. i stayed below my calories by like 40 calories. it feels good to have some control. i ate mostly brussel sprouts for dinner. i forgot how much i liked them.

well, as a couple of you have mentioned, here are some short term goals.
1. drop 2 by next monday.
2. get laundry done on time.
3. get in 4 workouts this week.
4. burn 300 calories per workout.
5. come in at just 1200 calories for the next 7 days.
6. ride scooter more.

sound good?

oh, and just so you know, when i started this journey beck in january, i weighed in at 236. size 16. today i am wearing a 12.

brand new me

2007-06-03T19:16:00.000-07:00

i am inspired.

my mother turned me on to my cousins blog, and now i am inspired. i started this journey about 6 months ago and i am finally realizing the benifits of blogging.

first i was just going to the gym. i wasnt working very hard, but i was working. i wasnt watching what i was consuming, but i was working. not a lot changed about the way i looked, only about the way i felt. in february i found sparkpeople.com. i took it seriously for about half a second, and then i completely fell out of it. then one day my friend gave me an article on calorie restriction, and how it leads to a longer life. i read it and was in disbelief that someone would want to live longer and live like that, so restricted it took the joy out of food! now i realize that the joy is in me, not in my meals! so with all that said, i am working on making a brand new start. a brand new me with a brand new life.

here are my goals for the next year.
1. i want to lose 80lbs by next june, just in time for swim suit season and i want to look good in a suit.
2. i want to learn to be more patient with Mark.
3. i want to learn to stop blaming myself for things i have no contol over.
4. i want to be one of those people who is constantly outside.
5. i want to be athletic. not just in build but in sports too. i always enjoyed them when i was younger.
6. i want to get mark to dance with me. not just in the living room, but out in public.
7. i want to shop at charlotte russe and forever 21.
8. i want to have a reason to wear high heels at least once a month.
9. i want to feel like i am free.
and last but not least...
10. i want to take ballroom dancing lessons and run a 5k.

does that sound like too many goals?

okay, i want to start working on the weight losing thing now. here are my starting stats.
212.5lbs, 46 inch waist.
when i am done i want 125lbs and a 26inch waist. this isnt too silly is it? i just want to wear jeans that dont feel like they are killing my internal organs. i just want to sit down and not have to hike up my pants to cover my belly when i stand back up. i want to beable to sit back in a chair and not feel like i have to lay my hands across my belly like a pregnant lady in order to be confortable. thats alot of wants.